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Oh I totally get this.
I'm in an immigrant family and I just never felt safe to "report abuse", especially during the first 5 years in the US... I was a non-citizen and I just feared deportstion... I did not like China from my memory...
I mean my mom just instilled the fear of CPS onto me, plus I felt very "foreign", just couldn't trust anyone... so none of my teachers really knew the true extent of what happens at home, I never told them.
Now I go downstairs and feel my heart tremble... despite my mom repeatedly telling me "how much she loves me", I just never really feel safe.
My older brother made me run away from home when I was in China...
When I was in Philly, I ran away from home again, again because of my brother.
Both times I just ran to my mother. She was my best protector, simultaneously she's also my abuser.
I love my mother, and I also hate my mother. But I also need her approval. Idk wtf is wrong with my brain...
Even now with citizenship, I'm TERRIFIED of venturing out in the world... I don't know how to like... "survive" do basic "adult" stuff... I feel scared when I go outside by myself. I don't even feel like anyone can really help me.
I'm just alone.
In China, police don't do shit about domestic violence, it's just "private matters", nobody ever involves police.
So this sentiment followed us here.
Also like... I doubt white cops even give a shit about us minorities, we'll all just get shot to death.