I remember numerous months ago when a study came out showing that of the people now identifying as LGBT+, most of them were bisexual. Somebody commented something along the lines of “this kinda proves my theory that everyone is bisexual.” I’ve seen this sentiment before then, though.
I have mixed feelings: most of the people proposing this are themselves bisexual and usually saying it in good faith. I have little doubt that there are more bisexuals than we think, too; they hesitate to identify as such due to factors like stigmatization and unawareness.
Even so, this suggestion still rubs me the wrong way: it invalidates our own identities and implies that we “just haven’t found the right man yet”, like we only need to subject ourselves to dozens of guys (either in person or from photographs) and eventually we’ll win the lottery. There are plenty of other things that I would rather be doing. I suppose that somebody could argue that I must be bisexual because umpteen years ago I found a few guys attractive, but that categorization would be so misleading as to be useless.
What do you think?
Cis/het male, also lifelong LGBTQ+ ally. Not subscribed — I browse /all, and I'm replying because the sidebar says this community is for (inclusive of) people whose loved ones are lesbians. I guess my mother and stepmother count? And one of my aunts. And a couple friends at work. Anyway, not here to step on anyone's toes or tell them what's what with them. Only my own experiences (and those of those who have shared theirs with me).
So anyway, my theory is that sexuality is kind of a scale. 0 is kind of the default and it means no sex preferences. I think if we raised children in a vacuum (without any kind of influence as to who they're meant to be attracted to), I think you'd see a lot more bisexuality (or pansexuality) than you do in the general population. And then 100 (or whatever arbitrary number) means you're 100% attracted to the same sex (since mathematically positive ~= same) and -100 means you're 100% attracted to the opposite sex (since mathematically negative ~= different).
In the world we live in, if my scale is accurate, most straight men would swear to you they're a -100, not a gay bone in their body, not a single chance they'd ever be attracted to another male. Two problems with that. One, they haven't met every male, and two, they were raised to be straight (most likely). They might have had leanings toward a certain type of male, but they would have been suppressed. I think, socially, women are less likely to face this condition so they are more prone to bisexuality or lesbianism. I am inclined to say the same thing, but on the other hand, I've seen Jim Morrison (of The Doors) and Michael Hutchence (of INXS), so... maybe closer to -99? (Both of them have passed away decades ago.) I dunno. The point isn't to place yourself on the scale. I think the point is ultimately to find love in the first place, and then find love that lasts, in whatever form that takes.
Regarding the lesbian take in the third paragraph, I feel like that gets tried more often than lesbians would like to admit. Referring back to my mother, she and my father were friends, and they were married mostly out of convenience. She wanted a house and he could get one if he was married. She also wanted to give birth naturally and only have sons (and she did that). She was also up front with my father, and told everyone who would listen that she was only attracted to women. My father was not lied to or misled (except by his own prejudices, but he was neither a bad father nor a bad husband, just a little naive). Still, after the divorce, my mother (much later!) told me that she actually tried a few other different men (mainly, men of different races) to be sure... and none of them were pleasant experiences. So she's been exclusive to women for over 30 years now, probably closer to 35 years (and she's been married to one for close to 30). So it worked out in the end. I also have a friend who is a bit younger than me, and she has a girlfriend, and I asked her one day, and she said she experimented with boys in middle school and high school, and it wasn't for her, she figured out early what she wanted, and in this slightly more liberal world, she was able to get it a lot more easily than my mother did. Time will tell if she's in a relationship that will go 30 years, or if she's learning lessons on the way to that long term love.
I'm not gonna go answer other people because this really isn't my space, but I think the counterpoint to my scale theory (and I've seen arguments to that effect in other comments) is that we're on a scale of only whole numbers. Gay, bi, hetero, and others. And I don't agree with that. I think there is a lot of space in between, and bisexuality and pansexuality exist in that space. I do think there are fewer gays and straights than there are bi/pan, at least in a world without influence that we don't live in. I don't think it's erasure though. I think it's fine for someone to say they are not interested at all in the same/opposite sex. I think there's some choice there, too. For every gay person who had to play it straight (like my mother did), they can lie to themselves and justify it, or they can take steps to change their life. Unfortunately for my mother that involved a lot of mental health issues, and sadly, drugs. (Ironically, she is still alive — has outlived my father, who lived a more healthy lifestyle, by going on 25 years now.) And I think people who are close to either end of my proposed spectrum can safely say they don't want to mix it up. The argument that a lesbian "hasn't found the right man" misses the point. Maybe there IS a "right man" that would make her hook up with a guy. Maybe there's a right man for the straight man. But the point as I see it is to find where you're happy, not to get away from what makes you happy for what "could" make you happy. If you're happy, in a long-term relationship, you know who you are, it doesn't matter what you could be if what you could be is less than what you feel you are. It's not just dating the other sex, the one you're not attracted to. There are tons of things we would never do day to day, that we would do in the right situation. I have done, and will continue to do, things I never thought my life would contain. But I keep forging ahead, trying to do the right thing, and enjoy my time with the right people. And that's what I hope for others. I think that's the meaning of life. Finding what works and sharing the joy and knowledge.