askchapo

I no longer am, but had a terrible time at a very (too) young age where I constantly was, because I had this deep existential experience where I very deeply understood death and the finality of it. But even then I was mostly afraid of my parents dying, especially my dad.

And in hindsight I've realized a lot of that fear was explained by the profound unsafety of my childhood and the way too high responsibility I was under, taking care of younger siblings, trying to make sure everyone was ok. My parents had problems, there was alcohol involved etc.

As I got older myself and had a kid of my own, I started to mostly fear if I die and leave them too soon, which would be so hard for them. Over time older relatives died and I got closer and closer to the finish line myself. Then I got what I assume was covid and had a months long aftermath of profound anxiety, heart issues and a fear of never waking up in the morning every night. So I had to eventually resign to the fact that it is indeed out of my hands.

I don't do any sort of faith, my view is that life ends when it ends and it is over. I find that somehow soothing. But I still think it's tragic that all that a person ever was and all they learnt just is kind of gone one day. It feels like a waste. I think it's sad and I mourn this, but don't fear it anymore.

And people do live on in other people, their skills included. So we are all a part of this great continuum of human society. My cooking comes from my grandmother who is long gone, but she is with me everytime I cook.

The only thing about death that scares me now is the possible suffering or pain. The only worry I have is for others, those left behind. But I know I won't know I am dead, so it doesn't matter. I could go to sleep tonight and never wake up and not know it, because I am gone. It genuinely doesn't matter. It is like falling asleep, I view going to sleep like a small death rehearsal every time, because you let go of your consciousness. Being put under for surgery is a similar leap, but so is every moment we get. People slip in their bathrooms and die, you never know.

I very much love life and hope it goes on as long as possible, I have so much yet to do. But I can't control it. So I am just going to focus on living.