this post was submitted on 30 Aug 2025
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When the racist parent said "Are you a insert my race-sympathizer?" my partner defended me with, "I'm a patriot."
They still hang out. Some boundaries are set, but very loosely.
I'm sorry. That's honestly one of the worst racist assumptions to get. Speaking of that, my partner's other parent said "If you go to insert the main country of my people, they execute you." That one is more misinformed than hateful, and this comment did not hurt my feelings nearly as much, but my partner did not correct them on it. It went unacknowledged. This parent is otherwise super nice and helpful towards me. Despite them being misinformed, I don't think this parent hates me.
Big yikes, so your partner is implying racist things in order to maintain this relationship. By implying that being a "your race sympathizer" is antithetical to being a "patriot" (well, and maybe it is, and if so, then patriotism is actively a bad thing, Also, patriotism is probably actively a bad thing depending on the country) they're throwing you under the bus and engaging in racism.
How long have you two been together? Have you had really direct hard conversations about racism? I would absolutely not be able to trust or respect a partner who was willing to ¿pretend? to be racist. Or is revealing their latent racism. After the experiences I've had even with "friends", I would not date a white person without vetting them and making sure they weren't just "not racist" but were vehemently anti-racist or would at the very least be completely supportive of me verbally tearing their new family apart and being verbally combative to anyone who was racist to me. And to be clear, here's what I'd expect from a partner when asked a question like that: "Fuck you (and here's why)." Not, "I'm a patriot." That may sound extreme, but morally it's really the bare minimum requirement for a white person to be able to date a person of color.
From looking at some of your other posts I'm guessing you're young and/or inexperienced. I advise you to figure out if this partner is worth trying to salvage (educate and/or radicalize), or if you'd be better off breaking up and holding out for someone who isn't going to be racist to you. Problems like this do not get better by just ignoring them. It's easier to find people when you're younger before people pair off in older age, and you don't want to waste your youth on a relationship that is likely to be destroyed by racism anyway. If this becomes a long term relationship, if you get married, and especially if you have children, that parent's racism is going to be a perpetual source of strife and pain unless your partner takes a very hard and militant stance. Can't count on them to step up later if they'll fold now.
I think it was sarcasm. This parent likes to tick people off while acting calm, so my partner responded in the same tone back. You can't be openly sincerely angry because this parent sees it as you "losing" the argument, and can keep on trying to get more emotional responses out of you while pretending to have no idea why you're angry. This parent never takes accountability either, so there's no point to reasoning with them. Hence, I think my partner was using sarcasm.
Fwiw, I have a parent like this. This is antisocial behavior: they are actively causing social and psychological harm to those around them. My last partner and I had to be around my parents out of financial necessity. When we were able to disentangle, we did, and then cut all contact. My present partner of two years has not met either of my parents, and won't, as long as I can help it. My parents don't even know my partner exists, because they don't get to learn anything about my life anymore; they use information as a weapon.
These dynamics that you are putting up with are untenable. Your partner needs to protect you from their aggressively racist family member(s) and anyone who permits/abeds the racism. To echo other posters: you need to have a difficult conversation if you expect to maintain a long-term relationship with your partner. It's possible your partner doesn't recognize how this baseline toxicity is unacceptable, because they likely grew up surrounded by it. It's not necessarily your job to educate them, but they will need to take an active role in reshaping the dynamics they are in.
It's fair to ask your partner to call out the racist bullshit when it happens. It's fair to tell your partner that you don't want to be in the same room or at the same events as the family member. You don't deserve to be racially aggressed while the rest of the family tacitly looks on. You don't deserve that kind of isolation.
This is very well put and says what I'm trying to say better than I could.. I hope Comrade HexaSnoot takes your comment to heart
Sorry but nothing you're saying makes this sound better. So besides being racist this parent also sounds emotionally abusive and immature.
I retract the redditism of moving toward a breakup because there's useful learning experiences here if you can meet the challenge: you and your partner should talk about how to handle this. My recommendation is firm and aggressive boundaries, learning not to take this shit.
This is a bullshit game an immature old person uses to mess with immature young people. You and ypur partner gotta learn to deal with this and not be manipulated by their framing. Even if the parent acts like you "lost" because you got upset about them being racist, you don't have to accept that framing. That framing makes no sense and you don't have to defer to it
At the end of the day if this is harming you so much that you're crying after, it's a real problem that warrants a strong response to fix it. The fix may be any number of things and it's up to you and maybe your partner to figure put what the best one is. I am pretty sure my preferred solution to racism (verbal sparring, escalation, and being extremely rude) is not going to be a good personality fit for you and your situation so you have to figure something else out, but you deserve better than to be expected to grin and bear this shit.
My partner only does it back to the point that their parent's only next turn is one where they must take accountability for racist things they said, or shut up and not acknowledge what my partner said. They always shut up and don't acknowledge they're wrong, so that they don't have to take accountability for being wrong. So my partner's usual goal is to get them to shut up, often in front of the rest of the family. It helps convince the rest of the that family that this parent is in the wrong, and to not adopt the parent's racist views.
Btw, call me immature, but I definitely need help not deferring to this game.
First, I did not mean "immature" about you in a derogatory way but I shouldn't have been so blunt, that is almost always meant derogatorily. My apologies. I meant "inexperienced" or "young", that is, this parent is too old to be bullying people who are, well, literally their kid's age, and that you two are likely at a disadvantage.
I feel like I am not aware enough of the dynamics at play to reliably guide you through this and I do not know if any of my feedback has been remotely helpful to you. Do you want me to try to keep talking, or should I disengage? I don't mind either way, really, I just worry about you because you described harm being done to you and I want it to stop for your sake.
No it's completely fine. I just meant I do need to rise above this game. People have played it all my life against me. I can compare people in my past to the 4 main characters of Sunny in Philadelphia. It sucks because I respond by being silent and passive, and I'm very lost about what exact words I could respond with, and how to do it in a way that leaves myself with the most decency. Now that I'm away from more explosive people, I don't know how to rise above my partner's parent. This parent has never shown an ounce of sincere emotion when picking on others, always using a calm voice.
You are helping, you're doing great.
Well.... have you ever spoken with a therapist? Because if people have played this game against you all your life, you probably could use some help figuring out why you're vulnerable to this kind of manipulation or abuse. Responding by being silent and passive sounds like learned helplessness OR shutting down OR really any number of maladaptive responses to abuse and you could probably benefit from getting professional help figuring out which it is, why that pattern developed, healing from that, and learning to stand up for yourself.
I will say this: a former partner's brother said something racist to me, but I liked him and knew he was kindhearted just misguided, so I calmly explained "hey, this thing you said is racist for this and this and this reason, I know you're a good person who didn't mean it harmfully but I'd prefer you not say that again" and it went well. He apologized, I said it's all good, we moved on and things were fine. Escalation and aggression aren't always the right choice, they're just useful tools for if someone refuses to operate in good faith.
With that said, what follows are my strategies for handling people who aren't open to being reasonable and having an honest discussion but are actually just trying to flex some weird power play and be racist out of malice rather than unintentional ignorance. I suspect they aren't going to be applicable to your situation or your personality, but I'll list them anyway to give you something to think about: when I have encountered people being racist in the past whom I couldn't reason with and couldn't just hit for whatever reasons, I've done any of the following depending on what I thought I could get away with:
CALMLY (and with a hint of contempt in my voice, to let them know I think they're pathetic): "_____ is a racist phrase or idea. Why are you saying racist things?" And then if they deny that they're being racist, continuing to ask them about it and trying to make them uncomfortable and basically don't let go of it. When they try to deflect, I keep at it and poitn out they're deflecting. If they try to change the subject, I point out that they're avoiding answering the question and ask why they're so cowardly that they won't be honest and shoot straight. Basically, make them regret it, because for some reason a lot of racists don't want to be called out for being racist.
If they try turning it back on me like "oh you snowflake why are you so upset about words" then I love that, because it means they've given me an excuse to verbally escalate and they can't complain without appearing as weak as they accused me of being. In which case I may start insulting their appearance, insulting their intelligence, needling them about things I know they're insecure about (divorce? job loss? nothing is off the table, the point is to hurt them), or if I don't know those weak points I may just graphically and enthusiastically describe the ways I hope they die (car crash, medical mishap, whatever -- I always make sure to phrase it as "I hope this happens to you" so it can't be twisted into a threat). This upset them, they call me rude or terrible, I say don't dish out what you can't take back and they're lucky I'm only being verbally aggressive because typically the rule with people saying racist shit is "talk shit get hit", but I'm feeling magnanimous today. Now the problem with escalation and intimidation like that is that onlookers may say "damn, cuddlefish, you went too far, what's wrong with you?!" And then I can say "I have ptsd from racists like this, I'm being super patient right now, why did y'all let this asshole run their mouth instead of stepping in? Not my fault you let it get so far that I had to respond. Get your boy." They've given me an excuse to turn it back on them and ask them why they've been ok with so and so saying a bunch of fucked up shit to me in the first place. Essentially, my goal is to test the bridges and burn all my bridges with anyone who'd condemn me for fighting back when I'm abused. This requires a lot of self confidence, moral clarity, and faith that you are in the right and that racists are scum. It might also lead to a breakup but, again, I would break up with a partner who didn't support my right to dish out insults to their racist family anyway, because I couldn't trust someone who didn't have my back.
A white friend said his approach to relationships is to kind of rapidly suss out incompatibilities and make sure he and partners are on the same page, which means seeking out conflict / hard discussions rather than shying away from uncomfortable topics. Unfortunately, I find this is necessary when it comes to navigating such a racist world, and not just with partners but with friends too. When I was younger I was much more patient and conciliatory, but what that led to was having "friends" for years who ended up just being unreliable in a pinch because when push came to shove, they were going to defend their racist friends and families and call me the problem for being upset about racism. The easiest way to avoid that would be to just never be friends with or date white people at all, but since most people around in my state are white I just have to vet them proactively instead so that I can have some community.
Uh... good luck? I hope something in this is helpful.
The internet says multiple definitions to the word "antithetical." I don't use the word, could you say how you're using it?
directly opposed or contrasted; mutually incompatible
I'd never heard of any other definition but apparently it's got some specialized archaic or academic meaning I don't understand to. Commonly it means "direct opposite"
Oh I didn't see your edit, so to the edit: idk about the hatred part but racists will commonly do carve-outs that'll make individual poc they know "one of the good ones". It doesn't make it better. Your partner has a responsibility to handle this better, because it's their family.
*sigh This label hurts deeper as I grow more aware of racism.
Actually, interestingly enough, my white partner is far more aware of racism than I am. So if they aren't aware of something being racist, it's an extra messed up situation.
Dang. And yeah actually, I had a related experience when I was in college, I made some ignorant comment about racism, a white friend said "you should look up what 'institutional racism is' ", I looked it up thinking "pssh, what does he know, he's probably wron—— oh my fucking god this explains so much about my life, time to be very angry."
I just looked up the topic of institutional racism. I had to stop after one PowerPoint slide because I'm so sad.
Have you read the lyrics to the song Chocolate Rain? In my head, I usually tie the topic of institutional racism to the African American experience through other's words, like these. But I don't usually tie the topic to my race. I think it'd be helpful to study a few facts at a time of what institutional racism is so I don't have as much of a blind spot in recognizing racism towards me.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but yeah. It's a sad reality to face.
Love be Chocolate Rain, I didn't like how people made fun of it as "bad" or "silly". A bit repetitive, but catchy, decent, poetic, and deep. Institutional racism affects all races. White Supremacy was wielded hardest against black people but it is applied viciously against other groups too
Repetitiveness can be used well, and I think he made perfect use of it.
When I was a child, I read a story with an American child and their immigrant parent with an accent in a US hospital. That the front desk was besically dismissing and shooing away the parent each time they ask where their xrays were. Then, hours later, the child asked in perfect English, and they handed the xrays shortly after. I forgot all about that story until I read that PowerPoint slide. I'm enormously sad over that.