askchapo

Well.... have you ever spoken with a therapist? Because if people have played this game against you all your life, you probably could use some help figuring out why you're vulnerable to this kind of manipulation or abuse. Responding by being silent and passive sounds like learned helplessness OR shutting down OR really any number of maladaptive responses to abuse and you could probably benefit from getting professional help figuring out which it is, why that pattern developed, healing from that, and learning to stand up for yourself.

I will say this: a former partner's brother said something racist to me, but I liked him and knew he was kindhearted just misguided, so I calmly explained "hey, this thing you said is racist for this and this and this reason, I know you're a good person who didn't mean it harmfully but I'd prefer you not say that again" and it went well. He apologized, I said it's all good, we moved on and things were fine. Escalation and aggression aren't always the right choice, they're just useful tools for if someone refuses to operate in good faith.

With that said, what follows are my strategies for handling people who aren't open to being reasonable and having an honest discussion but are actually just trying to flex some weird power play and be racist out of malice rather than unintentional ignorance. I suspect they aren't going to be applicable to your situation or your personality, but I'll list them anyway to give you something to think about: when I have encountered people being racist in the past whom I couldn't reason with and couldn't just hit for whatever reasons, I've done any of the following depending on what I thought I could get away with:

• CALMLY (and with a hint of contempt in my voice, to let them know I think they're pathetic): "_____ is a racist phrase or idea. Why are you saying racist things?" And then if they deny that they're being racist, continuing to ask them about it and trying to make them uncomfortable and basically don't let go of it. When they try to deflect, I keep at it and poitn out they're deflecting. If they try to change the subject, I point out that they're avoiding answering the question and ask why they're so cowardly that they won't be honest and shoot straight. Basically, make them regret it, because for some reason a lot of racists don't want to be called out for being racist.

• If they try turning it back on me like "oh you snowflake why are you so upset about words" then I love that, because it means they've given me an excuse to verbally escalate and they can't complain without appearing as weak as they accused me of being. In which case I may start insulting their appearance, insulting their intelligence, needling them about things I know they're insecure about (divorce? job loss? nothing is off the table, the point is to hurt them), or if I don't know those weak points I may just graphically and enthusiastically describe the ways I hope they die (car crash, medical mishap, whatever -- I always make sure to phrase it as "I hope this happens to you" so it can't be twisted into a threat). This upset them, they call me rude or terrible, I say don't dish out what you can't take back and they're lucky I'm only being verbally aggressive because typically the rule with people saying racist shit is "talk shit get hit", but I'm feeling magnanimous today. Now the problem with escalation and intimidation like that is that onlookers may say "damn, cuddlefish, you went too far, what's wrong with you?!" And then I can say "I have ptsd from racists like this, I'm being super patient right now, why did y'all let this asshole run their mouth instead of stepping in? Not my fault you let it get so far that I had to respond. Get your boy." They've given me an excuse to turn it back on them and ask them why they've been ok with so and so saying a bunch of fucked up shit to me in the first place. Essentially, my goal is to test the bridges and burn all my bridges with anyone who'd condemn me for fighting back when I'm abused. This requires a lot of self confidence, moral clarity, and faith that you are in the right and that racists are scum. It might also lead to a breakup but, again, I would break up with a partner who didn't support my right to dish out insults to their racist family anyway, because I couldn't trust someone who didn't have my back.

A white friend said his approach to relationships is to kind of rapidly suss out incompatibilities and make sure he and partners are on the same page, which means seeking out conflict / hard discussions rather than shying away from uncomfortable topics. Unfortunately, I find this is necessary when it comes to navigating such a racist world, and not just with partners but with friends too. When I was younger I was much more patient and conciliatory, but what that led to was having "friends" for years who ended up just being unreliable in a pinch because when push came to shove, they were going to defend their racist friends and families and call me the problem for being upset about racism. The easiest way to avoid that would be to just never be friends with or date white people at all, but since most people around in my state are white I just have to vet them proactively instead so that I can have some community.

Uh... good luck? I hope something in this is helpful.