askchapo

Fwiw, I have a parent like this. This is antisocial behavior: they are actively causing social and psychological harm to those around them. My last partner and I had to be around my parents out of financial necessity. When we were able to disentangle, we did, and then cut all contact. My present partner of two years has not met either of my parents, and won't, as long as I can help it. My parents don't even know my partner exists, because they don't get to learn anything about my life anymore; they use information as a weapon.

These dynamics that you are putting up with are untenable. Your partner needs to protect you from their aggressively racist family member(s) and anyone who permits/abeds the racism. To echo other posters: you need to have a difficult conversation if you expect to maintain a long-term relationship with your partner. It's possible your partner doesn't recognize how this baseline toxicity is unacceptable, because they likely grew up surrounded by it. It's not necessarily your job to educate them, but they will need to take an active role in reshaping the dynamics they are in.

It's fair to ask your partner to call out the racist bullshit when it happens. It's fair to tell your partner that you don't want to be in the same room or at the same events as the family member. You don't deserve to be racially aggressed while the rest of the family tacitly looks on. You don't deserve that kind of isolation.