this post was submitted on 24 Aug 2025
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Asklemmy

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Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.

Mostly I'm interested in what people are holding back.

The questions I've been asked IRL:

  • why / how did you pick your name?
  • how long have you known?
  • how long before you are done transitioning?
  • how long do you have to be on HRT?
  • is transgender like being transracial?
  • what do the surgeries involve?

For the most part, though, I get silence - people don't want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.

If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.

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[โ€“] CuriousRefugee@discuss.tchncs.de 21 points 4 days ago (10 children)

When I was younger, I assumed that trans people wanted to transition because they felt their personality wasn't their "assigned at birth" sex. And thus, because of society's expectations that "men should dress and act this way" and "women have to do/be this," a lot of people who didn't meet that would be trans. But as I met and talked to more people, both trans and agender/genderfluid/etc., it does seem like those with body dysphoria actually feel uncomfortable in their bodies, and want a different body. But I've never actually asked any trans friends about it, because it does feel too personal, even though some of them are very good friends.

So, my question: if there were no gender norms or societal expectations, would you still want to transition? Would that answer change if surgery/hormones aren't desired, and you instead do want to keep the body you were born with?

[โ€“] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I'm a trans woman. I've never been feminine. No one picked on me because I was "girly". No one secretly thought I was gay. My interests were geeky, but they were "boy" geeky.

I don't believe in gendered personalities. People have genders. Personalites don't.

it does seem like those with body dysphoria actually feel uncomfortable in their bodies, and want a different body

That's often a part of it, but it's not universal. There are many trans and gender diverse folk who don't experience things through this lens.

if there were no gender norms or societal expectations, would you still want to transition?

Yes, but it would look different. The social part of my transition was important to me, because it influences how people see me. It shapes whether they see me accurately, or see me as someone I am not. My appearance can cause them to stick me in the wrong gender box, and that is something that I needed to change.

But if we existed in a world where there were no gender boxes, where gender was as diverse as people themselves are, then my transition would have looked different. I'd still needed to have addressed the physical aspects of my body. But socially? If my birth name didn't automatically carry a gender with it, if my clothes and my presentation didn't automatically carry gender with them, then my social transition would have looked very different.

Thanks for the reply, always wondered about that! Just the first time it clicked for me why someone just couldn't be a male/female presenting person without going through gender affirming care. Thanks and wish you all the best!

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