Reminds me of the pictures of the /baltimore meetup that did nothing to refute stereotypes of redditors

Let’s just hope Randy Marsh doesn’t go fuck a pangolin again

Like Abe Lincoln always said, take anything you see written online with a grain of salt and, until you see conclusive evidence otherwise, assume it’s a creative writing exercise.

Once saw one that had a picture of Benydink Cumbersquatch as Sherlock with a caption like

May the Force be ever in your favor, Mr Potter

Gandalf in The Chronicles of Narnia

In my jurisdiction the only ones formally exempted from jury duty are those who are employed in the courtrooms: judges, bailiffs, and court reporters.

There are several other occupations that, while not formally exempt, are almost guaranteed to result in you not being picked: law enforcement, child protective services, district attorney office, criminal defense attorney.

Same. Keeping the details purposefully vague even though the statute of limitations has long since expired.

I was out with friends having fun and actually stayed at the bar until they turned on the lights at closing and kicked us all out. I knew I was drunk but figured I should hit up the Taco Bell on the other side of the parking lot and eat in my car. Surely that would soak up enough alcohol to sober me up, right? I recall taking the most direct route possible to get back home, keeping my speed just below the limit. No cruise control so I had to focus as much as possible when it’s late, you’re tired and drunk and have a stomach full of grease.

The middle portion of the drive home was on a single long major arterial surface street. Luckily there weren’t any red lights since I doubt I could’ve stopped in time. The most terrifying moment was when I saw a cop car approaching me from behind. As I had a mild panic attack, he passed me up, didn’t turn on his lights, and went about his evening.

The rest of the trip home was uneventful. I got home safely, swore to myself I’d never be that stupid again, went to bed, and woke up the next morning probably still reeking of cigarette smoke and booze.

This is the single thing I am most ashamed of that I’ve ever done in my entire life. It’s more shameful than the time I lost my cool and shouted the n word at a kid when we were in middle school. It’s more shameful than the time I walked around high school with an unknown to me giant rip in my pants that let everyone see my sponge bob undies. It’s more shameful than when my dad caught me beating my meat to a Runner’s World magazine because I couldn’t find a Playboy.

I am very lucky that the cop just passed me by. I am very lucky that I didn’t have to drunk call my family at 4am to come bail me out of jail. I am very very lucky that I didn’t hurt myself or someone else.

True to my word, I’ve never done it again. I don’t drink at all any more, and even when I still did, I had a very strict two drink limit for myself if I was driving.

I don’t think I’ve ever even mentioned this when I’ve been in therapy. I’ve been in a relationship for over a decade and I’ve never even told my partner about it.

So yeah Lemmy. Learn from my mistake. Please. If you plan to get fucked up, have a safe ride home that doesn’t involve you driving.

While on a school trip, I ate a lot at a greasy buffet, then we went to a theme park. After one ride I managed not to barf but I wound up spending the remaining time in the park laying down on a bench trying to control my nausea.

I’ve watched all four seasons of Miracle Workers. He’s pretty funny in all of them.

Just Dropped In - The Big Lebowski

It looks like the thing used for slaughtering cattle.

I’m about to be seated for five hours straight with no possibility of standing or moving around. I’m standing while I still have the opportunity.

Stuff that would theoretically have been possible, in no particular order:

• develop better study & time management skills so college doesn’t kick my ass nearly so badly
• walk on to the college’s cross country team. After all, it was a D3 school, they’ll take just about anyone. Would’ve been a great way to avoid putting on 60 pounds in school.
• spend more time taking advantage of the free therapy sessions in the student health center and maybe God forbid not fall as far into the pit of depression