jbrains

Let me see whether I understand.

I could make a handful of guesses about OP and their situation, and then use those guesses to write hundreds or even thousands of words, some of which might help and many of which wouldn't. On the contrary, some of them could be downright damaging, depending on a bunch of factors I don't know about OP, their relative, and the relationship between them.

Or I could ask some questions and wait for the answers, then narrow my suggestions to those that, given that additional context, are more likely to help.

I'm trying to help one person, not write a chapter of a book.

As for this:

But coming back to my main point, I still don't see how the motivation could dictate strategies most likely to help.

You said that. I told you that the answer fills a bookshelf. I suggested two books to start. I totally understand if you don't care enough about the answer to read a book. I guess you could ask an LLM to summarize one of those books for you, in case that would be more palatable to you.

And yes, I know that this sounds evasive. I genuinely don't mean it that way. I don't have a 50-word answer for you that distills decades of research into why people choose to do what they do, such as OP's relative choosing not to learn to read. They might not understand it at all themself.

It's fine with me if we disagree on this point. Indeed, I have no interest in trying to convince you. I'd like to help OP and I'm not much concerned about justifying my methods to you. If you're actually interested, read the Deci book. I really liked it.

Peace.

Which strategy is "best"? How would you know?

And, once again for you and everyone in the back, I'm not trying to grade OP's motivation. Motivations are motivations. I'm not interested in good or bad, but rather more or less likely to actually help.

The answer to that question fills a bookshelf. Jerry Weinberg's Secrets of Consulting could be a good start. Another would be Edward Deci's Why We Do What We Do.

And you're assuming that "convincing" is going to be an effective strategy here. I'm not so sure.

I will note here that I have tried earnestly to ask OP questions that would help me offer better advice than the generic slop I could offer without knowing more about the situation.

Knowing that OP might not trust me enough yet and might assume that my questions were expressing indirect doubts about their motivation, I emphasized that I'm not criticizing them, but asking genuine questions in order to gather information with which to help more effectively.

Subsequently, more than one person has doubted my motivations for asking these questions and already some seem unwilling to take my answers at face value.

See? Maybe it's not as simple as "But I want to help!" I want to help and some of you seem really suspicious both of my intentions and my methods before even giving OP the opportunity to answer my first question.

Now maybe OP's relative would feel similarly about being approached to learn to read.

🤷

I'm asking, not doubting. Nuances matter here. I want to know more about what's going on in OP's mind and heart, because that informs strategies for helping.

You can also shove your sarcasm straight up your ass. I'll wait.

I know what it can be, but I don't know what it is. When I know more, I can offer more helpful advice.

For example, if their motivation really is as simple as "I want to", then quite frankly, their relative has no obligation to give OP what they want by letting OP help. And trying to force that on their relative seems risky and invites failure. This is known as "inflicting help" and is a very common source of friction in relationships.

That's why I'm asking.

I did not notice that, so that's my mistake. Sorry.

Sigh.

Can you imagine a universe in which asking the questions I asked is in fact a way of gathering more information with the goal of helping, instead of indirectly criticizing OP and doubting the sincerity of their intentions?

What if I thought this might be a common reaction, then brought that into the open in the middle of my questions? Would that help?

(EDIT: I didn't look closely enough, so I didn't notice that I was replying to someone else and not OP. Oops. I'll wait for OP to reply. Comments withdrawn.)

I guess you didn't believe me. Pity.

Why do you want to convince them to learn? I mean this as an open question and not as an indirect criticism. If you convince them to learn and then they learn, what does that get you?

(EDIT: No, really, this is not an indirect criticism. I would like to understand OP's motivation better in order to offer better advice. That's it.)

I have compassion for them. I don't even blame them. I don't know how to fix what's broken, but I know that blaming and ridiculing them doesn't work. If it did, then the situation would have improved by now.