Why not "have to be registered with the government"? That's still allow law abiding citizens to do whatever they want with their money.
Also, people saying digital money on your local bank is different than paper money of the central bank; both are merely a promise. Back in the day the promise was related to a value in gold, now either are relatively empty promises. All banks do is keep track of the numbers, a bank note is proof your unregistered number is valid.
The brutality immediately gives away this is not the onion though, they never had headlines as harsh as the ones reality gives.