What hurts is that people treat it like I am doing this obsessive, unnecessary thing when in reality the amount I say sorry is perfectly tailored to the amount that I am randomly (random only from my perspective of course) pissing people off all the time around me with my actions. Which in practice means I say sorry all the fucking time.

Those same people that tell me not to say sorry I have pushed to the edge of their tolerance of me many times, and the ONLY thing I can do in those situations is say sorry in a genuine way. People really dont fucking understand having an intimate familiarity with those moments where someone is seriously pissed off at you and not only wants a practical explanation for why you fucked up but more importantly they need an emotional explanation that squares your apparent desire to be a good person/worker with the fact that you just massively fucked up something in a way that sure makes you look like a lazy, uncaring person. I have no agency in those moments, I am basically an 18 wheeler smashing through someone else's life but I have no brakes and LITERALLY the only thing I can do in that moment to make the situation better is apologize simply but genuinely in a way that conveys how hurt I am by own actions too.

Of course, the ones that love me always return to their more patient selves and apologize for getting frustrated with me, but apologies mean nothing to the memory in my body of feeling like I am always sliding towards seriously aggravating someone and hurting my relationship with them. Further it is only a learned, constant input of willpower and constant attentiveness that keeps me from constantly blowing past people's threshold of patience for me in moment to moment interaction and also in broader life contexts. An absolutely necessary survival strategy for me has been learning to constantly "manually breath" with my experience of reality so that I don't slip back into autonomic behaviors that immediately cause friction with the environment and people around me.

Saying sorry a lot is my way of double checking my social awareness and making sure I am not missing the fact that now I am just yelling at everybody for no reason because I am excited about the conversation or something. When people react with "hey, stop saying sorry!" the consequences are they are mildly annoyed at being asked the question, but when it opens up a conversation about something I have been doing that is genuinely annoying people around me it can often be the ONLY thing that saves me and others from a lot of unnecessary suffering. It also, and I can't stress the importance of this enough, is often the only thing that can halt someone from developing a narrative about who I am that is wildly inaccurate (I don't care, I am lazy, I don't like working).

The world is going to have to become a hell of a lot more accommodating and accepting of ADHD before I stop saying "sorry!" all the time and it is frustrating that people get upset at me for using a perfectly rational coping strategy in a society extremely hostile to my disability. Its like, people don't want to see the amount of effort I have to put into not being a burden on others because it stresses them out and feels like a broken record.... and sometimes I just get so angry and sad feeling like... yes that is exactly what it is like to be in my head 24/7, I am sorry you had to briefly experience that?

Undoubtedly sending robots to the bottom of the ocean just to see what the hell is there is cool no matter how you slice the pie, but Schmidt Ocean Institute livestreams the entirety of their dives (like 8 hours long or so) which brings things to another level for chumps like us who don’t have some ridiculous dream job of participating in scientific dives with magnificent undersea exploration vehicles.

It genuinely makes for the best background TV material I have ever seen. The firehouse of strange creatures they encounter that stretch your mind’s capacity to comprehend the strange and unknown is balanced perfectly by the simple physical comedy of watching ROV operators play an extreme version of the arcade claw game 3000m below the sea when they are attempting to take samples of sea life and store it in sample bins. A lot of times a scientist is actively narrating what is happening on the stream but even when they aren’t the control room is usually mic’d and at any given time features a multidisciplinary cross-section of scientists.

Check it out, put it on as a background at a party it makes great viewing in a casual party setting where people can engage and disengage whenever they want while talking about the weird creatures and laughing about the ROV claw totally failing to grab a coral and horribly snapping it in half.

You can play halo infinite VERY competitively with joysticks and gyro too, it feels made for steamdeck controls especially with the heavy focus on (absolutely amazing) vehicle combat.

A month ago or so it was crashing really regularly on me, but now it seems to be working fine. I can easily get a steady ~50fps with the graphics all the way down. Yeah, the graphics don't look amazing on low and there are weird graphical artifacts sometimes but it is far from ugly and the core halo gameplay is just so well balanced at the moment that who cares how it looks when it plays like that.

(yeah it used to suck, it doesn't anymore)

I don't get it but for some reason the 3d open world multiplayer shooter with vehicles and long view distances that runs the best on the steam deck (other than a very graphically simple game like battlebit) is DayZ. I obviously haven't tried every game out there though...

On the V++ deathmatch server (using steamdeck screen not higher resolution monitor) I can be in the middle of a firefight with 20+ people nearby and get a stable 50fps. For DayZ that is basically the most challenging it gets for game performance, in the normal game having 20+ people nearby has to be an extremely rare situation I imagine. Yeah you have to turn the graphics down but you really don't have to sacrifice view distance and the game looks fine on lower graphics. (Gun scopes are very important for playing on a low resolution screen like this though, dont bother playing on servers where gun scopes are extremely rare).

Unfortunately the game does crash randomly every once in awhile, I can't figure out why yet but I am playing on heavily modded servers and honestly the performance is SO MUCH better than any other open world multiplayer shooter like this that I don't really feel like I can even complain much.

Interestingly the engine DayZ was made off of, Arma 3, runs much worse. I guess you can get Arma 3 to play ok offline (it looks like crap after you turn everything down though) but in multiplayer forget it.

Give it a try! Yeah yeah... mouse and keyboard players are gods of aim blah blah blah, you can compete fine with joysticks + gyro if you take the time to get acclimated to it. Go play a deathmatch server an mess around until you feel comfortable.