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2018 Candidates of Note
SEGA
Dylan Sled
(D) Pennsylvania
-Unemployed college dropout
-Heard about UBI on a podcast
and went "oh what sick"
-Free college, free healthcare, free Shmurda
-Vastly more qualified than 99% of congress
Dresden Norris
(l) Washington
-Spends 5 hours a day on twitter
-Vows to have the rest of congress executed if elected
-Encyclopedic knowledge of foreign policy
but doesn't know what a filibuster is
Skum Shitt
(R) N. Carolina
-Nazi
Norm Respectable
(R) Montana
-Nazi
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Midterm elections are coming up! Keep your eyes on these rising stars!
2018 Election Candidates of Note
Wiezel Snrat
(R) New York
-Principled lawyer
-Main principle is to only defend rapists
Stewart Paul
(R) Ohio
-Libertarian, but also wants to
use taxpayer money to find
and kill his ex-wife
Jilliam Drilnt
(D) California
-Founder of a startup
that sends underprivileged
youth to fight in the IDF
Numbers Fuckstein
(D) Maryland
-Just wants to fuck around
with tax credits and shit to
see what happens
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2018 Candidates of Note
Dorian Salazar-O'Malley
(D) Michigan
-Community organizer
-Highly unusual candidate; exhibits
qualities of a member of the fabled
'White Working Class' but isn't white
-FiveThirtyEight.com rates him 'most
likely to end up mysteriously dead a
week before the election
Holden Bloodfeast
(R) lowa
-118 years old
-Please god just let us nuke Iran,
nothing else matters, I'll do
anything please I just want to
see burning flesh one last time
before I die
-Respectable bipartisan
Sexx Tricker
(1) Florida
-Oh my god is that his real name
-Holy shit elect him
-Hahaha what the fuck is going on
Hillary
(D) who cares
-Awww cmon not again
-Only lost the election because her
controller was broken
-Third times the charm
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