I've just banned a few accounts that were spouting transphobia in this thread.
this post was submitted on 30 Jan 2024
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Transfem
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Here is a reply I made to Alteon which I think adds helpful context. I do think some of their concerns had validity, even though I don't believe they applied to my situation. Also, thank you for moderating this community!
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven't had any sort of "Mac and Cheese" moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven't already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I'd like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it's a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn't want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don't think I have "saddled" her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, "this is how things are, deal with it." Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn't necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that's okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn't been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don't know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day."
Alteons reply to you showed their true colours though. They weren't here to change their perspective. They were here to tell you off for being trans in a way they don't agree with.
This is a much better reply than that person deserved.
You're clearly in a very communicative relationship and regardless of what happens, I feel it's going to go well.
You're a really cool person, Kayday. I'm glad you have such an open and caring relationship with your wife. Wishing you the best, I'm sure your talk will go great!
Thank you Ada
If your experience is anything like mine, be prepared to have it twice 😂
It was a hard thing to bring up, and hard to hear so she ended up forgetting a lot of it the first time around. I'd say depending on heads pace, be prepared to go slow and maybe take breaks in the conversation to let some ideas "settle". You get these ideas and expectations about how life is going to go and something like this will put a kink into all of it and you kind of have to realign what you thought was going to happen with where you're heading now.
Edit: Also don't forget that first few months after a baby can be a rough time emotionally, so that is definitely going to affect everyone's feelings about it at some point.
All I can say is "fuck yeah" :)
That first conversation can seem so daunting, but I love that you and your wife have been working to set aside time to talk about it! Coming out can be one of the hardest steps to take, and it sounds like you've already made a lot of progress towards getting there :)
I'll just echo what I said on your last post:
Say what you want from the heart. Things only get better from here.
Thank you ❤️
I'll throw my 2 cents in. My experience closest to a situation like this is when one of my inlaws came to discover he was ace, while having a wife and kids. I won't go into the weeds with what happened because I heard most of it through my spouse but I know it put a lot of strain on their marriage before their realization. Afterwards they had something to work on, which did help.
They're still married after a few years. But it's a situation where I feel they should open it up because one side isn't getting their needs met.
The thing that will be important is being honest. My experience being with trans women is that their tastes/needs/wants change from pre transition to fine with where they're at. I'm not the same person as my 10 year old self. It isn't a bad thing, but as I said be honest to both yourself and your spouse. Think about how you want her to treat you. Think about how you want your child to treat you.
Good luck, and I hope everything works well for you!