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Not a stupid question at all, but my recommendation would be to worry less about labels.
Who cares about the label? You're a human being with all your little quirks and capabilities, just like everyone else and I guarantee you that nobody fits any label perfectly. A label is only required for those with a need to show off the label.
See also https://dlm-econometrics.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-average-man.html?m=1
Yes you are valid. There is a microlabel that you may relate to, if you're looking for it:
Reciprosexuals don’t feel sexual attraction until they know someone is attracted to them first. This can create a dynamic where attraction follows mutual interest rather than leading it, different from most other orientations.
But ace is ace is ace is ace. If you identify as being on the ace spectrum, you are valid. If you change your mind later, you were (and are) still valid. You do you boo.
There's no queer police coming to dictate who isn't valid.
Fuck/don't fuck whoever you want, you'll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as "asexual" or "demisexual" (or "straight' or "gay") only matters when you're looking for a new partner and need to choose how much "what do you mean by that" you want to put up with.
Don't worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It's not what defines you.
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There's no sexuality police (yet).
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it's achieving that, it's the right label!
I feel like this describes me and I call myself demisexual, I'm only attracted to people who are attracted to me after years of pursuing people who hurt me for wanting them.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn't an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is "sexual first"? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
I'm like tthat too, never really cared about sex, I prefer to deal with it myself when needed, but my partners liked it so I did it.
I never considered myself asexual because I do feel atraction to men, I like kissing and touching just don't care about sex.
I just always thought I have a low sex drive. I was married for 5 years but stop dating about 10 years ago and feel finally free.
dude im struggling with this exact same thing T_T ace has such a "strict" definition that i technically don't fit into but the label has always felt right to me and i relate a lot to the asexual experience. but yeah what everyone else is sayin— you're still valid and you can consider yourself whatever you want. also, labels are tools, so if they aren't helping and are rather causing distress, then dont even worry about all that :)) (easier said than done, i know)
you could stop giving a fuck about stupid arbitrary labels?
all that means is you are agonizing about how others perceive you and will label you and you feel it has some weight.
people have called me gay/queer my entire life. it's annoying, but it has no bearing on what i really am. no amount of people calling me gay is ever going to make me gay.
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That's even a common friction point in relationships.
that's interesting, where is that distinction from?
I'm not sure where it's 'from' necessarily, I've just read about it a couple times.
Just ignore the labels. They're one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you'll never be able to properly wear any of them. They're ultimately pointless things anyway.
I felt the same as op till one person changed it slightly but I still don't have that pull. It's more for curiosity or pleasing with anyone else. They are more fwb than bf and that works with being nd. They treat you like a bf without the label or ties. Sex still gives me panic attacks but the fwb arrangement helps a bit
I don't see any reason you can't be anything you want to be.
Try explaining how this works to a full sexual on a dating app. You’d think you had shot their animal companion with the given reaction.
I managed to explain this to family members who took it upon themselves to ‘educate’ me on dating.
only one family member got it cuz they are the same. Meanwhile the others gave me odd looks and stares and continued to attempt to lecture me how dating works. Like I get it. You gonna just bang whatever moves cuz ‘nature’. Maybe widen your scope a bit that others are not like you. But also maybe we need to talk about how consent works.
Meanwhile the others gave me odd looks and stares
The mindset that I struggle to understand/relate to is that of those who seem to be unable or unwilling to accept how different another mind might be.
Seems kinda funny to say that, akin to the tolerance "paradox" I suppose.
Not getting a mind that doesnt get minds hah yea I understand.. however we Demi’s have spent our lives making room for those sitting at full speed at the one side of the spectrum. We understand their urges because we’ve had it rudely shoved in our faces. We’ve had to sit in the background while someone makes up bullshit like ‘men are like this women are like that’ and talk like sex is the one and only goal all people have even if it’s your best friend. Or reducing all complex human problems to ‘you just need to get laid’ bullshit.
It’s the apathetic rudeness I don’t get. Theyve taken all the air in the room for themselves. So no, I don’t get that arrogant, entitled, asshole mind set. Never will. I don’t think it’s our task to either.
You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that's valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you'll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it's any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn't. If it is, then by all means, check whether it's valid with them, not us.
the people you are in relationships get to decide what is valid to.
but if you never engage in relationships, yeah you can be an attack helicopter. but if you do feel that way, don't be surprised that nobody else wants to interact with you.