disabled

My UTI is not going away, the antibiotics are giving me terrible diarrhoea. Also, I am thinking about cancelling one of my appointments, a follow-up brain scan to check what's going on in there after my stroke. It's just they have to put a canula in to do it, to put dye into my veins so they can see the brain better, and I'm extremely squeamish about this. At my last brain scan last year when they took the canula out the nurse didn't stop the bleeding adequately and I fainted at the sight of it, hit my head on the nurse's desk and got knocked out. Not even the first time I've fainted at the sight of blood. I'm dreading going through all that again, so I might just cancel that particular one. I'm still not sure though, the ophthalmologist is the one who ordered it because of my vision loss, and he might put up a fuss about me cancelling it. They are very pushy about making me have medical treatments, tests and medications i don't particularly want. I would just cancel them all if I'd got a ten year benefit award but since I only have two years I have to keep up with all this shit so they can't use it against me when I'm reassessed.

I made a joke about getting opera glasses to a guy because one of temples/arms has broken a few times , he didnt hear me and another person "repeated" the joke to them and kept it going but made it a monocle because the guy has a glass eye. You could see him visibly deflate as she kept going on about it.

Certified not fun moment

So I figured out that I get depressed when I take melatonin

So that's weird huh

There is so much stuff in the UK news right now about how they're going to get even tougher on the disabled. Benefits to be cut by hundreds of pounds a month, even the most disabled pressured into work etc. It is stressing me out so much, I thought I could get some peace for a couple of years at least but no. Apparently two British politicians, Nigel Farage and Kemi Badenoch are now "in a race to see who can be the toughest on benefit claimants." Reddit of course is filled with comments praising this and saying we need to get tough on disabled scroungers. Seriously, just legalise assisted suicide already since we're such a burden.

I love you all

I joined an antifa Facebook group last week because of the infighting between socialist, anarchists, commies, etc. against shitlibs in the comments. It's been a nice outlet since I get fighty on social media when I'm going through Big Depression. But holy shit the amount of transphobia and ableism on that page is just wild. It's all coming from the libs that wanna larp as anti-fascist. But like how the hell are these people going to even consider themselves anti-fascist when they can't even deprogram from essentially eugenics tier rhetoric?

I've been calling them out on it and I think I got at least one person banned for calling me a "sociopath".

I think today is gonna be a mental health day though. I can take the comment slop as it comes but I also know my limits. Gonna try to catch up on reading and gaming, and just try to turn my brain off.

I've had a horrible couple of days. I'm exhausted. Ophthalmology tests show my vision loss has spread, now I need a brain scan to find out why. I've had so many appointments these past couple of days I'm worn out. This is on top of all my usual crap, so many appointments. The endocrinologist says I should cut down my thyroxine dose, it would lower my risk of another stroke. But if we lower it, there is more chance of the cancer coming back and spreading. The high dose is meant to suppress the remaining cancer cells and stop them spreading. Hmm, more cancer or another stroke. What a lovely choice! Honestly I'd just lower it and take the risk of cancer if it wasn't for the fact that my body has gotten so used to this high dose that it can't function correctly at a lower dose. Last time we tried to lower it I ended up so exhausted I couldn't get through a day without falling asleep.

My landlady will also be away longer as her daughter has been readmitted to hospital with her surgery area infected. So I'm on my own for longer, need to raise more money to pay for all my hospital transport and it's such a high amount I need, I'm stressing about whether it will be possible to raise.

And the icing on the cake, I got locked out of the house today. I didn't forget my key or anything like that. The door just got stuck. Nothing I did would open it. I had to sit outside in the freezing cold for 6 hours waiting for my neighbour, to come home and fiddle with it until he could get it open. Now I'm paranoid about having to go out again in case this happens again.

And i have a UTI. Why does everything always have to be so unrelentingly difficult?

I had a really raw moment where I was having a bit of a breakdown and someone asked what they could do for me and I blurted out: "I wish someone would tell me it's okay to fail every now and again", and it felt like a huge weight off my chest. That person got a look like a lightbulb just turned on and they just repeated it back to me with sincerity. I think they're starting to realize how hard things are with the neurodivergence, and there's been a lot less questioning or offering advice that doesn't apply.

The shop just accidentally gave me 32% off by misreading their own sign AFTER I told them the correct price, and somehow I still feel like the asshole.

I really need some survival advice. Capitalism exhausts me and the idea of spending any amount of my life doing a job I don't care about, breaking myself to work in a way that other people think is good, depresses me.

I have ADHD and probably autism, as well as anxiety and depression. How do I get through my days without feeling completely hollow. How do I find a way to make money and survive without having to pretend to be a different person.

Family pointed out I talk to myself at work (my job is mind numbingly boring), now I'm all self conscious. Apparently not as high masking as I thought :/ no wonder everyone there thinks I'm weird (one coworker literally told me this, as a good thing that he's on my side).

went out today for the first time in four months and im so very tired

I do NOT want to go back to my dead-end, minimum wage, fast food job tomorrow. The idea makes me want to gnaw my arm off.

I keep telling myself that it's temporary, it's only for the summer, then I can get back to college and spend my time doing something I actually care about. But that doesn't really make me feel better. The idea of being in a transitionary stage where things are gonna suck for a while is torturous to me. Especially since I'm closeted and living with my parents. I feel like I'm in a dead time of my life.

I regularly see people talk about traumatised people as if they’re basically lost souls. Like how some talk about the people in Gaza as if they can’t be saved due to the trauma they already endured. Just like any other disability, incurable trauma can restrict many capabilities. But traumatised people are still people able to experience life in their own way. Not being able to (for example) engage in deep emotional connections with others people doesn’t mean that your life experience is less valuable. It frustrates me when people, doctors especially, imply differently.

Some people who made historic achievements did so while dealing with ptsd because it can make you want to work 24/7 to distract from the stress. That’s not say that this is a healthy way to cope, it’s just something that people who think that work output is the only measure for value of life ignore.

Personally I’m proud of my traumas because they defined and motivated my political pathway and helped me understand and empathise with other people who are struggling in some way.

The brave people in Gaza have paid and struggled for their existence and continue to do so. Some may consider themselves lost, and that’s completely valid, but that’s not for anyone else to decide or judge.

One of my few friends stopped talking to me without explanation a couple months ago, honestly for the best 'cause they stressed me out and didn't respect conversation boundaries the one time I asked for them but it's not easy losing friends even when they're shitty. The context, or lackthereof, suggests to me it was because I was too anxious around christmas to talk about planning a trip in spring. It's a strange hole in my life right now, there's media I would watch just to talk to them about it, and huge amounts of my time were being dedicated to worrying about how they felt, it's like I quit a part time job.
Then I remember how hard it is to make friends even for neurotypical people and it feels like it will take an act of god to meet someone who tolerates me as a friend again. I feel fortunate that loneliness isn't really an emotion I experience often, I'm usually more content by myself, and all men are islands, right? That's how the saying goes for sure

I saw a new primary care provider at the beginning of the year and she was so nice and genuinely seemed to listen to me and my concerns (and was wearing a N95) and im considering trying to talk to her about my weird allergy issues the next time I see her in June

The last time I tried dealing with my issues through the medical system I had 1 doctor just not do anything other than take my copay and give me a prescription, 1 that gave me a prescription that I was unknowingly allergic to that led to me speed running topical steroid withdrawal (not his fault tbh i also didnt know it'd be an issue), 1 that helped a little then gave me a prescription that if she was paying attention she wouldve known I was allergic to, and 1 that treated me like I was solely attention seeking and told me to keep consuming foods that were giving my diarrhea, stomach pain and nausea, and causing severe eczema flareups that kept getting infected

So im a little nervous but I dont know what else to do

DisabledAceSocialist has affected my algorithm somehow. I keep getting ads for working for the NHS. Apparently I should wanna know why anesthesiologists flcok to work in Moray (Ok but then why are you advertising?), and there's a service I could download that lets me know which trusts have openings or something.

I have my next physio appointment in 4 days. My left side is flaring up as usual, inflamed achilles, painful plantar fasciitis, swollen knee and various other issues. What is infuriatingly stupid is that the physios only allow you to be treated for one issue per appointment. They won't treat me holistically by seeing this as one issue - which it is, the issue is my left side is weak from the stroke. They insist on seeing every body part as a separate issue and only treating one per appointment. And it can take weeks or months to actually get an appointment. So I'm in this stupid position where I'll have a physio appointment for my inflamed achilles on the 14th and then have to wait until 19th May for my next appointment for them to see about the plantar fasciitis, unless my achilles is still very bad by then in which case I'll have to use the appointment on the 19th for my achilles again and just screw the fasciitis and the knee and whatever else is a problem at that time.

Actually you would think that after someone has had a stroke the NHS would provide them with a properly planned out programme of physiotherapy for rehabilitation, starting right away and with regular appointments. But no. Instead you have to battle for whatever scraps of appointments you can get with no clear plan and sometimes months between appointments.

Is it any wonder that so many people are permanently disabled in the UK?

Oh and I seem to have a UTI again, can't get a doctors appointment, the pharmacist can prescribe antibiotics but I've become allergic to antibiotics. The GP surgery won't even accept a urine sample to send off without having a doctors appointment first. Why does everything have to be done in such a stupid and difficult way?

Been up and about and doing stuff for fun, which means travel time which means posting. Is it bad that I feel a little guilty about feeling a little better?