I just found out if we don't get $200 by Wednesday, me and my family will be evicted from our house. My CPAP is failing me, so I wake up every day tired as hell with headaches and chest pain that lasts all day, and I need to go back to sleep after being awake less than 6 hours. I think we'll make it somehow but it really sucks.
this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2026
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I haven't been too active here this past week or so as I've been having a lot going on. I thought once my benefits were sorted things would calm down but the opposite has happened. I think I've been in a mental health crisis this past week or two, plus personal and financial issues.
This mental health thing is something that has happened to me on and off for around 18ish years. I think it's some kind of religious mania and it's embarrassing to talk about but I once brought it up with a therapist and she didn't know what to say about it, dismissed it and changed the subject, and I need to talk to someone about it as it's really worrying me. What happens is that I suddenly develop an intense belief in Christianity which can last for weeks or months. During these times I intensely fear hell, feel what i can only describe as an intense religious ecstasy, and feel determined to try and stop all my sins (basically whatever things I do that the bible is against) and even go so far as to throw away all my personal items that are anti-Christian, this time for example I threw away some of my books such as ones about evolution.
This happens every few years. It hasn't happened in so long I thought it was over, but it started again and at first I felt good about it, determined to stop all my sins and repent. However last night i felt like God was telling me off because of my dishonesty towards the DWP - you know how I've been asking people to give me food vouchers so the DWP (the UK benefits office) don't find out I've been receiving financial help? I felt like God was convicting me of that sin and telling me I have to pay everyone back as obtaining that money involved deception towards the DWP. I also felt like I was being told I have to go out and preach the gospel to everyone I know - like literally contact people I haven't seen in years and preach to them.
Well I felt completely overwhelmed by the thought of having to pay back the financial help I've received as I have no idea how I would ever afford it (I still need help as I'll mention in a minute) and I also felt embarrassed to preach to people, especially as I have had this issue before and know it wears off eventually. I knew when it wore off I would be embarrassed if I had done that. Maybe due to the reality check of these two things, when I woke up this morning, the need to repent and preach had died down a lot. I feel almost back to normal except there is still a huge nagging part of my mind telling me I'm going to hell if I don't do these things. There's no point asking the NHS mental health services for help as they're worse than useless. I just wish this issue would go away permanently and completely. i feel so alone with this as I've not heard of anyone else having this issue.
During this episode something happened that also made me think this issue is some kind of mental crutch because of how crappy my life is. I spoke in chat about how I'd googled an old friend, Steve. well I decided to google all my other old school friends. I found one had died a few months ago (and became worried he's now in hell), but I actually managed to get in contact with another one. One of my best friends in my school days was James. His family lived in another town but he was staying in our town as he'd got a place at our school. He lived on the same road as me, a lodger in someone's house. During our A-Levels we were such close friends he'd often sleep over at my house for days on end, we'd sleep in the same room, even the same bed - totally platonic, he stayed at my house for pretty much an entire summer holiday once so we could be together instead of him going home to his own town. Last time I saw him I was 22 and he came back to our town for a visit, then we lost contact. Well I googled him on Wednesday and found a youtube channel with his first name and very unusual last name. I left a comment asking "Are you James C T______ from (his hometowns name). Yes it was him. We swapped emails and spent the rest of the night emailing each other.
He seemed just as thrilled to find me as I was to find him. We caught up, looked up our other old friends on social media to see what they were doing and I mentioned I wasn't working due to health issues. He seemed concerned and asked what was going on. I then did what can only be described as a huge trauma dump on him, about my health issues, being unemployed, being embarrassingly ugly now, being unable to socialise. I finished by saying I'd love to see him again and though I'm not feeling up to it right now, how about next summer as that will give me time to try and improve myself physically (get better at walking and try and look less hideously ugly) before then. I went to bed that night so excited I couldn't sleep at all, feeling like I finally have something to look forward to and work towards, an incentive to try and improve myself physically, put more effort into my physiotherapy etc, get better at walking as there would be a purpose to it all now. I also briefly felt less religious, like now I had something real to look forward to I didn't need that after all. That was on Wednesday night and he hasn't responded. I suppose he doesn't want to meet up, and finding me again doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, and he doesn't want to deal with all my shit. It feels really crushing.
On top of all this I am going to have to make another mutual aid post. I got a letter saying that my backpay will be divided into two parts, spread out weeks apart, and I'm not actually getting my monthly payment for weeks yet either. So everything has been intense and I'm just really confused and I haven't been sleeping well at all.
Thank you for sharing these recent events and feelings you've been having. I hope it helps get some of the weight off your shoulders. While I didn't grow up with Catholic trauma, probably by virtue of a language barrier and genuinely kind and good priests, nuns, and old parish grannies, I will admit I do feel bouts on the rare occasion of somewhat to fairly strong religious fervor and random levels of guilt over what I've been taught to believe are sins and that I haven't gone to confession for decades and its all piled up. Honestly if it wasn't for my own personal convictions that the righteousness of communism aligns with the righteousness of catholicism, and I guess what I'd call ideological devotion to the ideology, I'd probably be quite discombobulated every time the wellspring of child indoctrination into the faith swells forth. That said I do still get bothered by the guilt of what's concidered mortal and venial sins in the Catechism, but I'm hoping that my own small work in my party building towards liberation of the human race, along side whenever I get around to actually going to confession, will at least earn me a nice rest in purgatory while I work off the rest of the spiritual debt I accrue.
Well I hope some good rest comes to you soon at least. Everyone deserve a good rest.
Thank you. I just don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I was brought up catholic but it was literally just church and sunday school once a week, apart from that no pressure. I really think I have a mental illness and I need help but I know if I ask for mental health treatment I'll be on the waiting list for years and then just get dismissed. Or drugged up and i don't want any more meds.
That is indeed tough to deal with. The only thing I can think of off the top of my head that can maybe help lighten the fervor is learning that what youve experienced in life according to the catholic theological analysis of Thomas Aquinas in his work Summa Theologica, is that theft is not a mortal sin nor is taking what is needed to survive concidered theft.
quote
I answer that Things which are of human right cannot derogate from natural right or Divine right. Now according to the natural order established by Divine Providence, inferior things are ordained for the purpose of succoring man's needs by their means. Wherefore the division and appropriation of things which are based on human law, do not preclude the fact that man's needs have to be remedied by means of these very things. Hence whatever certain people have in superabundance is due, by natural law, to the purpose of succoring the poor. For this reason Ambrose [Loc. cit., Article 2, Objection 3] says, and his words are embodied in the Decretals (Dist. xlvii, can. Sicut ii): "It is the hungry man's bread that you withhold, the naked man's cloak that you store away, the money that you bury in the earth is the price of the poor man's ransom and freedom."
Since, however, there are many who are in need, while it is impossible for all to be succored by means of the same thing, each one is entrusted with the stewardship of his own things, so that out of them he may come to the aid of those who are in need. Nevertheless, if the need be so manifest and urgent, that it is evident that the present need must be remedied by whatever means be at hand (for instance when a person is in some imminent danger, and there is no other possible remedy), then it is lawful for a man to succor his own need by means of another's property, by taking it either openly or secretly: nor is this properly speaking theft or robbery.
Simply put, what you're doing is okay. Just because stuffy and cruel British laws say otherwise, they're nothing but human laws that interfere with the natural and divine right to not go hungry. Not mentioning ideologically speaking as well.
Thanks, I really wish the whole thing would just go away permanently though.
i've had to be away from the site a lot lately due to personal stress being enough to want to avoid political stuff but i love u all
Same for me, and I love you too sweetie 
Can whistling be considered a type of stimming if its like a compulsion that helps you regulate emotions?
yea for sure
my (very autistic) partner does this with humming
Absolutely, have you come across the term echolalia?
I have! That makes sense
I have just learned that what my grad school assessment letter so eloquently called "linguistically r-slur-ed" (yes, they actually printed it this way), is apparently a common form of language acquisition in autistic children. How the fuck I have never gotten tested for anything is still beyond me. Thanks for educating me!
So news update, went to a punch of different doctors, finally got an appointment for an MRI in like 2 weeks or so, they suspect its a nerve entrapment in the illpsoas - lovely. However had a flare up so I am back to basically not being allowed to do anything. At least something is happening and maybe by summer I can be like relativity normal again.
Glad you got the MRI scheduled, hopefully it'll give a definitive answer and you'll be able to enjoy the rest of the year
Hopefully you can get to where you can enjoy summer weather when it comes!
I think I must be some sort of alien. I don't think I am ever going to see eye to eye with most of the population.
You seem more human to me than most people I interact with irl, maybe that makes me a fellow alien. Either way, it's hard to find people who aren't completely awful in some sense. Maybe it's better to be 'weird' than fit into the systems that actively work against us and humanity as a whole, even if it makes things harder.
Thank you, I mean it
My psych appointment went well!
They're not entirely sure if have adhd but prescribed me wellbutrin so now I need to find a compounding pharmacy that'll make it without corn or corn derivatives but I forgot to tell the 2 I called that I also cant tolerate potatoes...
Glad it went well!
Had to talk to my advocates to appeal my disability claim. I was denied, but I hear most people get denied the first time 'round. They keep asking if anything with my condition has changed, because apparently the appeal wants something to be different. Hopefully they can come up with enough fluff to appease the SSA. Not very much fun, must say.
That does suck, really hope it works out in your favor this next go-around.
God I hate customers. I’m glad my managers never put me on register because I’ve said I hate it in passing and apparently they noted that lol, but god it’s like whenever I get put on register, I attract shithead customers. I’m so sick of being treated like I’m lesser by lead paint stare customers when I make a minor ass mistake (even though a lot of the time it’s their own fucking fault, earlier I had a guy order a burger w the works and then get pissed and condescending when it don’t come with toppings that aren’t on the works.)
I’m never gonna work foodservice again after this job, I only stay for my coworkers and managers, I doubt I’ll find another job w managers this nice, and there’s like 6 of them lol.
I also have OCD so I ruminate on this shit for so long, sometimes multiple days, because it makes me so angry. It sucks cuz many people are nice but even one bad interaction and I’m pissed for hours. I never take it out on anyone though.
Hugs to all of you lovely souls
Hugs right back to you too!