I'm not gonna lie, I've been depressed and hopeless for the past year, not because I feel I have nothing to live for, but because I do. I'm finally a real fucking person for the first time in my life, and I'm living through a nightmare world I somewhat expected. None of this really surprised me. I knew our future would be a horrific decline for my entire adult life, but I was prepared to face it because I didn't care whether I lived or died.
The year and a half I had as myself before I knew I'd have to live through fascism was the first time I was truly looking forward to my future. I naively hoped that I'd at least have till China invaded Taiwan to establish a life for myself without an extreme upending of the status quo, but then the worst came to pass and I knew it was only a matter of time till my future became fully criminalized.
So now all I can do is survive. To not get imprisoned and very likely die. To somehow outlast the hate directed at us and start to regain what was lost. I won't kill myself for them; they'll need to do it themselves.
