this post was submitted on 12 Feb 2026
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askchapo
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do not name your firstborn
gnomes can't steal your firstborn if you don't name them
Name your child ™, or ®, or ©. The most American names possible.
School Shooting McBurger™
Let your firstborn name themselves at the most cringe possible age, probably something around 13-15.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way-9to5
IDK just make sure you leverage a parlay on polymarket then pick the winner based on the payout.
You could lend out the naming rights to corporations for a sponsorship.
Oh thats a great Idea. Maybe I could name my Kid Exxon Mobil™
Badposting is over there 
Dr. Cheddar
The babes first sound shall be its name
Just inagine it
"Dr Oooaaa, we need your expertise in the OR stat!"
"All rise, judge *raspberry noise* presiding"
The worst would be if baby became a podcaster. Not cause of the name but because of being a podcaster, of course
Flickin Dabeanis
Baby mcbabyface
I think they need to devour your heart to claim your name.
Steel-Hand Dropkick
For the first name
Get their skin wrapped like a car for maximum marketing exposure and buckaroos for you
see if any 90's comics or video games are offering prizes for naming your kid after their characters
Remember when they did that for Skyrim back in 2011? Bad return on investment there