Why is everything blaming the monkeys now? Hasn't it been the general consensus that things started to go downhill the moment this idiot fish decided to walk on dry land?
this post was submitted on 01 Feb 2026
687 points (98.2% liked)
me_irl
7217 readers
388 users here now
All posts need to have the same title: me_irl it is allowed to use an emoji instead of the underscore _
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
While I think the sentiment applies every statement has something wrong or inaccurate if I wear my pedantic peter hat.
- The universe is born 13.8 billion years ago
Birth may be poetic metaphor, but it implies reproduction which the universe doesn't do & reflects the way we anthropomorphize things we don't understand that can lead to misunderstandings.
The big bang being the beginning is likely a misconception about the rapid expansion phase change the universe went through based on pre-dark energy singularity concepts. A 2024 conference survey of physicists on page 10 of the below pdf has 68% of surveyed describe how we should understand the big bang as "A theory that says the universe evolved from a hot dense state that says nothing about whether there was an absolute beginning of time or not."
https://arxiv.org/pdf/2503.15776
Newer data using new tools and techniques to better map the universe indicate the cosmic inflation acceleration is slowing down, further moving away from a beginning and into a phase change, if gravity overtakes dark energy it could collapse again or collapse/bang cycle or balance to an equilibrium. That same data, or maybe it was the jwst observations I forget, also indicates the 13.8 billion years may be wrong & too small.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2025/11/251106003209.htm
- 200 billion trillion stars are born
Nobody actually counted all the stars yet, they are estimated based on how bright galaxies are, how's long stars take to form, etc in the observable part of the universe but estimates could be much lower than actual without more data to form a conclusion about how many stars are in the universe.
- A band of murderous monkeys
phylogenetic tree from the Smithsonian institute showing the difference between monkeys and apes:
https://humanorigins.si.edu/evidence/genetics
- On a rock circling one of these stars
Mostly rock moving in an ellipse where the earth gets over 10 million miles closer/further within the course of a year, not a circle
- Says "we must be the reason for this"
Most of us do for now, this has changed in the past though and is changing now in some areas.
- Shortly after, the monkeys blow themselves up
Weapons, disease, or natural disaster seem to be the most likely causes for now. But even if you blow up 99% of people that leaves 80 million people. More likely with weapons they'd cause a natural disaster like a nuclear winter if it were to cause a total wipe out.
I wish the monkeys would hurry the fuck up
A bit rude to call humans monkeys, that's extremely insulting.
Monkeys aren't dumb enough to blow themselves up.
They probably are if we gave them the opportunity
They would elect Donald Chimp and give him access to the banana button.
Exactly, we’re apes.
No, we're great apes. 🙄
Great, indeed.
Pretty sure this is a dry taxonomy thing and not a "we better" thing.
Obviously, if we're the reason for all this.
They are dumn enough to never get to a state where they could
Some might call that intelligence.
Nah that's definitely a wisdom stat.
*Apes.
This is not a cladistically unsound notion, apes are a subgroup of monkey.
I think you've got that backwards
I do not, monkeys include the apes.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CkO8k12QCP0
here's a video from an evolutionary biologist explaining.
Ah yes your right. I didn't watch the vid you posted but, I was under the impression Ape was short for Primate, but apparently it's short for Hominoidia....witch I kinda hate but whatcha gonna do
The monkeys realize they can power contraptions using the heat from combustion. After widespread adoption, they find out that the result of this process is slowly destroying their home at an increasing rate. The monkeys ignore the destruction, because the monkeys have created a system that replaces work with a token, and monkeys hoarding tokens having seized control of the central monkey systems, stopping any other monkeys from addressing the destruction of their home.
The Monkeys with the most, are also the most afraid, because they fear no longer having tokens, and of being treated like they treat token-less monkeys. So the hoarding monkeys cheat and lie and steal until they're so powerful that even committing terrible crimes doesn't get them in trouble with other monkeys, so afraid monkeys are of those with the most tokens.
So quietly, and without notice, the day comes and passes, when if they were going to stop the destruction, if they were going to save their world, they would have had to have acted on that day.... but they didn't. Because the token-having monkeys made sure that no other monkeys were allowed to stop them. And so they continued destroying their only home, until it was too late, and they all ended up dying of starvation, thirst, and exhaustion, while the planet they were on went about it's day, hoping that a newer, more intelligent kind of life would emerge.
You left out the best part. That in their greed and fear the tokened monkeys made a political monster to give them more, and they lose control of it, and it destroys them. One way and others. Then the climate change and all that, not telling how that turns out when. Fucking day after tomorrow winter where I'm at.
Douglas Adams couldn't have written it better
Apes, not monkeys. No tail.
Speak for yourself.
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey, even though it has a monkey kind of shape.
If is doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey!
If it doesn't have a tail, it's an ape!
Edit: Larry and Bob are clearly Apes. They have no tails
Some people are born with tails.
That doesn't put them into the monkey evolutionary line, though.
Then all of these rocks and stars are forgotten when the universe is just black holes for a trillion trillion years.
All those black holes coalesce into a single super duper ultra plus max black hole, and then it explodes.
And, here we go again.
*Apes
Nonsense. I have no idea where these accusations keep coming from. Also, I would be statistically FAR safer to be around than one of you humans, sharks kill far less of y-US than humans do, if I was a shark and not a tasty man, which I’m not.
Apes strong together. We can take them if we unite.
Isn't this the intro to Disco Elysium?
This is really harsh on monkeys tbh. If monkeys were actually in charge none of this shit would be happening.
And the universe just goes on and on.
I bet there are other monkeys out there who had the same thought over the years.
That is good, but we don't know how old the universe actually is. Despite what the experts tell us.
Wow some bitch rewrote a far-side comic from 1990 into a tweet,
,
