me_irl

While I think the sentiment applies every statement has something wrong or inaccurate if I wear my pedantic peter hat.

1. The universe is born 13.8 billion years ago

Birth may be poetic metaphor, but it implies reproduction which the universe doesn't do & reflects the way we anthropomorphize things we don't understand that can lead to misunderstandings.

The big bang being the beginning is likely a misconception about the rapid expansion phase change the universe went through based on pre-dark energy singularity concepts. A 2024 conference survey of physicists on page 10 of the below pdf has 68% of surveyed describe how we should understand the big bang as "A theory that says the universe evolved from a hot dense state that says nothing about whether there was an absolute beginning of time or not."

https://arxiv.org/pdf/2503.15776

Newer data using new tools and techniques to better map the universe indicate the cosmic inflation acceleration is slowing down, further moving away from a beginning and into a phase change, if gravity overtakes dark energy it could collapse again or collapse/bang cycle or balance to an equilibrium. That same data, or maybe it was the jwst observations I forget, also indicates the 13.8 billion years may be wrong & too small.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2025/11/251106003209.htm

2. 200 billion trillion stars are born

Nobody actually counted all the stars yet, they are estimated based on how bright galaxies are, how's long stars take to form, etc in the observable part of the universe but estimates could be much lower than actual without more data to form a conclusion about how many stars are in the universe.

3. A band of murderous monkeys

phylogenetic tree from the Smithsonian institute showing the difference between monkeys and apes:

https://humanorigins.si.edu/evidence/genetics

4. On a rock circling one of these stars

Mostly rock moving in an ellipse where the earth gets over 10 million miles closer/further within the course of a year, not a circle

5. Says "we must be the reason for this"

Most of us do for now, this has changed in the past though and is changing now in some areas.

6. Shortly after, the monkeys blow themselves up

Weapons, disease, or natural disaster seem to be the most likely causes for now. But even if you blow up 99% of people that leaves 80 million people. More likely with weapons they'd cause a natural disaster like a nuclear winter if it were to cause a total wipe out.