I am looking for mods!
1. The "good" part of our community means we are pro-empathy and anti-harassment. However, we don't intend to make this a "safe space" where everyone has to be a saint. Sh*t happens, and life is messy. That's why we get things off our chests.
2. Bigotry is not allowed. That includes racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and religiophobia. (If you want to vent about religion, that's fine; but religion is not inherently evil.)
3. Frustrated, venting, or angry posts are still welcome.
4. Posts and comments that bait, threaten, or incite harassment are not allowed.
5. If anyone offers mental, medical, or professional advice here, please remember to take it with a grain of salt. Seek out real professionals if needed.
6. Please put NSFW behind NSFW tags.
You seem aware that the shopping and appearance is a coping mechanism (an expensive, short-lived one) but don't yet know what to replace it with?
People use all sorts of coping mechanisms, some better than others... Anything to do with connection, creativity, support is very healthy. You can do that while looking good, too!
I hope you eventually get to feel valued even without having to earn it.
If you view this as a coping mechanism, then there has to be an uncomfortable emotion that triggers it. Some emotions are too difficult to face and process, which results in resorting to this coping mechanism. It’s clearly not a long term solution, so it would be useful to figure out what those triggering emotions are.
a nice dress? There’s nothing wrong it could do.
Wow, dresses are not my thing, but I feel you on this line of thinking.
Sounds like you may have fallen into one of the common traps though. As getting the things you want becomes more achievable, they can feel like they have less value, so we tend to seek out bigger thrills (more expensive items, more things) while getting less out of it. It's a feedback loop that can rapidly get kind of scary.
For me, I try real hard to focus on more sustainable means for self fulfillment, but that's not always doable... I try to remember that the most expensive items are not 'the best' items and sometimes the value of an item is in how unique it is. Rarity doesn't always scale with cost and isn't it nice to have something that almost no one else has? Plus, the amount of time spent searching for the exact right thing draws it out and makes the eventual pay off so much more valuable. I find it really helpful to find ways to create delayed gratification.
They're not really expensive, I care more about how the dress fits in my body and how it looks on me. I'm just so poor that even cheap 30 euros stuff leaves me broke
I get what you're saying, but we're only worried about you. If it costs enough that you're giving up meals to afford it, don't you feel like that's expensive at least for you?
How is this good?
Are there any activities you can remember you like doing for how they make you feel instead of how you think someone else will think about you doing it?
It may be their peer group and its lifestyle focusing on status. But yeah, I think finding a group that has a dedicated activity or hobby might be helpful in abandoning that kind of life.
Do you want peace or stuff? I equate buying to how much more I have to work. And using stuff to aquire and keep friends that’s gonna go wrong before too long.
I grew sick of stuff, i have to work for it, i have to tidy it, maintain it and then it just sits around.
I stopped buying as much as possible and switched to under consuming.
Your value is not tied to how you look, and if they are real friends they are not around you for how you look. You need a new high sweetie, fill your heart not your closet and ego.