The Onion

(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turned to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

“Oh god. Three more years. That can’t be right,” said Allee Celles, a 28-year-old waitress in Delma Washington. “Hasn’t it been three years already? Oh god. I need a drink.” This response is what producers are counting on, as alcohol purchases show sharp increases in areas already sporting the campaign’s billboards.

Some republican lawmakers are calling the ads tasteless, but others are trying to spin this campaign as a positive. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is reported to have said he’ll drink to trump every time he sees the billboards, and Americans should celebrate the administration. Campaign managers say that could be another way to view the message, but are pleased with the results either way, as sales are increased by 20% in some regions.

Another industry is piggy-backing on the message, as therapists and psychologists also see a chance to cash in. One therapist, who requested anonymity for fear of reprisals from Betterhelp, said, “three more years is terrifying, and I’m signing the papers for a beach house based on those three years. Yes, a lot of bad things are happening, but talking through your concerns at $100 per hour can help make things better.”

Regardless of their means of coping, the campaign is helping Americans realize the last ten years of insanity have occurred over ten months, and there are three exciting years remaining.