This isn't normal conversation?
ADHD person here living with a normie girlfriend and apparently it's not. She gets so upset when I add my own personal anecdotes to the conversation, but when I sit there in silence she accuses me of not listening.
Guys I don't know what to do.
Sounds like a her problem. This is how conversations work.
Maybe normie girlfriend is not normie.
Show her this meme and explain that you're doing it to show that you understand and emphasis with what she is saying.
Communication is key in a healthy relationship.
You make it sound like the only alternative to telling your own story is to say nothing.
If you are actually interested in what she's saying, ask a question about what she just told you.
Talk to her and see what she would expect you to do?
I've tried several times but it is extremely difficult to get a straight answer out of her. The conversation is always one-sided. I'll ask her how I can make her happy and get silence as a response.
She's one of those people who doesn't know what they want (but surely knows what she doesn't want).
Comment, nod, ask questions, laugh, exclaim - there are a ton of things you can say and do in a conversation other than interject with your own stories.
While it's normal to do this (outside of obvious one-upmanship) I think what makes it autistic is the crushing awareness of the pattern and the realization of how wrong the reaction to such an innocuous thing can be if interpreted incorrectly. Some sort of paranoia of being misunderstood.
Well apparently I have this paranoia although I think evidence of prior conversations makes it entirely warranted :)
I fight the urge to share too much of my own past experiences or knowledge by speaking to myself in my head during the conversation. I know it annoys people when I do this too often, but it’s so frustrating at the same time to remain silent that I came up with this trick to « unload my mind ». Took me too many years to come up with this solution to be honest ^^.
Uh-oh. This is Autistic?
Uh-oh. UH-oh. UH-OH!
rocking back and forth intensifies
I do this all the time, I see nothing wrong with it, this person expalained it, but I thought it was obvious 🤨... like, I would like someone to do the same while I'm talking about something, cuz that shows interest and that that person can relate to my problem(s).
On the other hand, if people are like "yeah, yeah, I get it... mhm, yeah, you're right... mhm... mhm..." I just stop talking, it's obvious they're not interested in the subject I'm talking about... well, at least that's my reasoning.
Isn't this just normal behaviour? There is nothing wrong in this, to my understanding.
There are degrees. If someone's sharing about their recent stillborn child, it's probably best not to bring up that one time I was 6 and my cat died and I can really, really sympathize. Anyone who worries about this is probably that person and could spend more time asking questions and less time, "relating".
I'll often consciously play a game where I try to get my conversational partner to 'open up', telling me more personal information than a person would normally tell. Meanwhile, I keep my revelations to a minimum, keeping the ratio as high as I can. I've had people cry and hug me, all while knowing nothing about me. I do like helping people and comforting them though.
Probably sociopathic behavior now that I think about it. Forget I mentioned it.
I respect this. I fix computers for a living and people tell you a surprising amount about their lives if you just nod and agree with platitudes like "Oh yeah, I definitely get it." and "That's fair enough"
Hahaha, as a nurse, I think you should become a nurse. This is a clinical skill we are taught called "therapeutic use of self."
I will selectively tell stories from my own personal background explicitly for the sake of drawing more information out of a patient, letting them know they're not alone I've been through something similar, or sometimes just a funny anecdote to distract them from something uncomfortable.
But it's never about something I'm particularly interested in talking about. It's only because it's relevant to the patient's current situation and I feel like it might help them in some way. Because, after all, love y'all and everything, but I'm at work here, not trying to socialize with ya.
And yes...it sometimes feels a little sociopathic lol
If you are self-aware about this, then... tone it down. Like, 50% of the time you feel the urge to tell a related story, just don't. It's okay.
If you don't try to verbally relate to the other person's experience isn't more of a lecture than a conversation?
All people want to do is lecture you and have you tell them they are right
Wait. Is that not normal? I do exactly this all the time.
It can be seen as rude because you're interrupting someone's story.
My coworker does this neat trick where she interrupts with, "Oh I have a story too but I'll tell it later. Remind me!"
And I always liked how she does that.
Jesus, Megan -- we get it -- this happens to YOU too. How about letting Vicky finish her story
Why so many times i read adhd and now autism memes i can relate to them.
A lot of them are typical experiences that are just much more intense or frequent among ASD/ADHD. So while everyone pees, if you're peeing 100 times per day, then it becomes indicative of a larger issue.
Idk about other instances, but almost anyone I had a long conversation with seems to do this...
Because it's completely normal to share personal experiences during conversations with people you are familiar with. In fact, in my opinion, the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
Could be that it's appropriate or inappropriate depending on context, or how you do it, and auti folk are less intrinsically able to read the room. So the autistic trait here would not be doing it, but getting called out about it or fretting about it. NTs wouldn't really give it a second thought.
I do it because I have nothing else to say and I'm trying to keep the convo going.
So, what ways do we know to demonstrate active involvement with someone's story? And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
- adding your own experiences (as per the OP)
- asking questions
- making noises - "mm-hm, ooh"
- mirroring the speaker's expressions
- eye contact
- gestures like nodding
- interjecting with an opinion (preferably sympathetic to the speaker)
Can you think of any more? Are there cultural variations? Any other observations?
You forgot mirroring-repeating what they said back to them as if it was your input. "So what you're saying is..."
Like you're a movie character taking a phone call, and you have to provide exposition for the audience? That's pretty funny
If they get really proficient at it, they'll start talking like Dora the Explorer.
And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
This is my big problem. In a group where people are telling stories about themselves, when it’s my turn, my stories are inappropriate somehow. In 50+ years, I still haven’t figured out what I say that’s wrong,
I’ve spent ages analysing my stories compared to others and I can’t figure out the difference, and no one will tell me. Is it the content (seems comparable) or how I tell it?
It seems better to just say ‘pass’ in those situations and stop engaging.
I suspect most of the time, when folks won't tell you what you did wrong, they don't really know themselves. Either that or it's some stupid power play thing where they think you're trying to challenge their status.
Other option - tell the stories you want to tell, and everyone just has to learn that's what to expect from you.
interspersed withing your own stories that you're telling me.
This is what I don't get. The neurotypical person is the one telling personal stories, but then we're the bad people when we...tell personal stories.
I just see the same behaviors in everyone all the time and wonder what exactly is making the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse. Besides an undue stigma from neurotypicals against people who don't fit absolutely perfectly into social norms for whatever arbitrary reasons.
I think the expectation is that you ask questions about their story as opposed to telling your own as it shows interest directly and lets them continue to be the focus of the interaction. If someone came up to you and started a story about their weekend, it seems to be expected that instead of saying "mine too I did xyz" (if that happens to be similar) we're supposed to ask about their weekend in more detail so they can keep talking about their story.
Sucks because the way I relate is exactly how OPs image puts it lol I'm showing I can relate by saying I've been through a similar thing, but that's harder for people to realize I guess and it takes the focus away from the person talking.
At the same time, advice I've heard is to not "turn every social interaction into an interrogation". People have told me that I ask too many questions and should talk about myself more. So to me the expectation seems to be striking a balance. Sigh.
This is a non autistic neurotypical thing to do too. If you get someone who is bitching at you saying an occasional 5 second aside showing that you relate to what they're saying, they're just an asshole, and they're in the wrong.
I mean if you're doing every other sentence, then yeah, that's a bit much. But now and then is expected and someone who wants a half hour of center stage quiet from the audience should find a stage and a brick wall
I've gotten better results if my interjected story is funny.
Omg I want to print this out and staple it to my chest. I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
I also need a label like sandpaper has – I’m like 60 grit abrasive.
Oh god, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
Oh. I do this all the time especially when chatting to new people on the internet. If I do it and the chat goes cold, I'm wondering what have I done wrong.
It feels like I have a list of stories and anecdotes in my head to tell new friends and I'm just waiting for that trigger word or phrase to unleash my story.
Question: I don't know if this just me but sometimes when im talking and the other person interupts me, once I've let them finish, I'll purposely wait to see if they ask me to carry on. If they don't, I assume my story isn't interesting enough and feel a bit more boring.
I do exactly the same thing. I have managed sort of workaround…tell your story you feel the need to share and then as the person a question relevant to their story.
Person tells story.
Me too, here’s my experience, and what did you do next about your story?
Not perfect, but you get that need to share your connection your way out of the way, and then turn the attention back to them.
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