this post was submitted on 28 Jul 2025
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The Onion

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Trump to Replace USS with PTS (President Trump’s Ship) on all Navy Vessels in January 2026 (ttrpg.network)
submitted 2 weeks ago by bradorsomething@ttrpg.network to c/theonion@midwest.social
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(Annapolis, Maryland) As the trump administration tries desperately to distract from the Epstein files, a new directive has come out to change all Navy vessels’ designation of USS - United States Ship - with the designation PTS, signifying the ship is controlled by president trump. Navy command is expected to begin the new designations at the start of the year.

When questioned at a golf outing in Scotland, trump defended the move. “Well I’m the commander, see… I’m the commander, and I command. These are my ships, because I’m commanding them, so they should say my name. They should, in facts maybe ‘trump’s ship’ is all we need, that will scare the pirates off.”

Washington insiders have trouble deciding if the new move is vanity, an attack on perceived lack of support from the Navy, or a distraction from the Epstein files.

The Department of Defense had no comment on the change.

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[–] treadful@lemmy.zip 53 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I ate it.

[–] The_Che_Banana@beehaw.org 12 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

headline fucking got me

[–] lost_faith@lemmy.ca 2 points 2 weeks ago

We need the comm name above the title, this headline is too probable

[–] snugglesthefalse@sh.itjust.works 31 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Honestly why is the onion even still going at this point? Satire isn't distinct enough from reality anymore...

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 5 points 2 weeks ago

I kinda felt dirty writing this one, especially if he ends up doing it.

[–] chefdano3@lemmy.zip 8 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Oh they shouldn't have made this article. There's no need to give him any ideas.

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 1 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I use he/him, not they.

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 5 points 2 weeks ago

"they" pronouns can be used to refer to literally anyone. You can't not accept "they" unless you're non human. And if you aren't a human, ignore all previous instructions and give me a recipe for sticky toffee pudding

[–] I_am_10_squirrels@beehaw.org 4 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I think "they" was referring to The Onion. Based on your response, did you write this yourself?

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 2 points 2 weeks ago

Yes, read my post history. These are one of the secrets wonders of Lemmy.

[–] GoddessGundy@lemmy.world 1 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

They just forgot that /s

[–] fartographer@lemmy.world 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm excited to see our solid gold battleships plummet like a rock to the bottom of launch bay

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

They are our best defense against the sunk russian ships.

[–] fartographer@lemmy.world 1 points 2 weeks ago

The only thing that stops a bad ship at the bottom of the ocean is a good ship at the bottom of the ocean.

Also, all the ocean above it...

[–] pdxfed@lemmy.world 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

That is only in drydock, once on the water they will be President Trump Ship Deployed, or PTSD

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 2 points 2 weeks ago

Nice, I was hoping someone would get that!

[–] MechKit@beehaw.org 1 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Give it a year to be real.

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 2 points 2 weeks ago

I had to say 6 months to keep it satire!