“All the evidence points to the same exact pattern of unchecked violent escalation a real police officer would display when Mr. Schweitzer was mercilessly assailing his girlfriend. Misusing power dynamics to attack those who can’t defend themselves is clearly police behavior. After he serves his 14-day probation and takes a class on how to better conceal his actions, we’d actually like to offer Mr. Schweitzer a position on the force. He really reminds me of myself, he’s got potential! We could use more men like him.”
At press time, Officer Grady was letting Schweitzer hold his gun and play with the siren after spending a couple of hours hanging out together at the precinct.
It hurts to laugh.