Autism

I'm bad about watching others in a not very graceful way. I end up staring for to long and it gets weird.

That is the normal human experience, I think.

This peaks when the police drives by.

Am I actually allowed to sit on this park bench?

Very relatable. Being afraid of doing anything new because I'm so sure I'll mess it up and do it wrong or get asked something I'm not prepared for. Same reason I want to try and research things as much as possible beforehand. It's not as bad as it used to be for me but I definitely still relate.

Worst case is when there are some written rules, but there's a spoken agreement (which you don't know about) to ignore some of those rules

I discovered this year that there was an unspoken rule to get on the bus in the order you arrived at the bus stop at. I had never paid attention to this and just got on in order of proximity to the door when it stopped until I got yelled at. I thought the guy was just being weird but I’ve paid attention since and it is absolutely true, people will move away from the door to let people who have waited longer board first.

Not sure how universal this is, I’m in the UK.

I found a secret. Normal people also feel like this, they are just better at reading the ambient rules.

It turns out, if you project your own mindset with enough confidence, they will sync to your rules. No need to figure out the rules, when you've already redefined them to suit yourself.

Ughhhhh, this drudged up a painful old memory.

When I was in elementary school, I went to a sleepover. One of the girls was Jewish and brought out a dreidel. I didn't know much about dreidels, but I did know I have a tendency to miss important cues and could easily offend somebody by accident. She offered me to play, but all I could think about was "this is an important object to her and her religion. If I fuck up, I'll definitely be offending her."

I was terrified of doing something wrong, so I declined to play.

Turns out, that was the biggest fuck-up of all. She immediately started accusing me of being anti-Jewish. I was overwhelmed and confused, and no amount of explaining my reasoning could push away that accusation.

Anxiety strikes again.

Holy shit. Went to a Japanese restaurant. In Japan. Despite close to a decade of martial arts training and dojo etiquette, I stuffed up and placed ONE foot on the tatami surface while wearing shoes for 2 seconds. The other patrons gasped.

My sensei would yell at everyone who ever did it.

I cannot overestimate how much you need to prepare for being in public.

I was like "I'm pretty sure that's autism" and then I saw where I was.

Someone once remarked to me that I'm "good on the train". That's because I used to get near panic attacks on where I should be standing, sitting, where to stack my bike, and if someone else needed a seat.

Even now I'm constantly adjusting my position at every stop like a slowly neurotic madman to give people space and walk access because I'm terrified of blocking anyone

As a kid I didn't know you need to press the stop button and just assumed the bus stops at all stops every time. Somehow I got through 2 years of regular use without missing a stop until I learned about the button.

Nah. I fear uncertainty. I am 100% certain there's going to be some social norm I don't know and that everyone around me just groks.

One of the rules I find interesting is that when you ride an elevator you should turn around and face the door.

Yes. So very yes. I'm over 40 now and have most social situations set as templates or template variations, but as a teenager and young adult it was hard to get the unspokenly expected responses and reactions right.

These days I got it all covered so well that I have anyone and everyone so convinced that I am an extrovert that they actually laugh when I suggest I'm in truth an introvert and more.

I still am overly self conscious too much, especially AFTER any interactions, reflecting way too much on how I might have come over, seemed, what was too much, not enough, etc.

It's a mask I can no longer turn off as it's automated and its very exhausting.

But it works... Based on my observations.

Not autism but ADHD and social anxiety and I struggle with this so much 🥲

I've gotten a lot better with it though :)

It's not a fear, it's real. Rules like you aren't allowed to do better than your paygrade.

Some stupid diploma is more important. If you try to learn and improve, people will DESPISE you.

Went to a Korean barbecue place last night. First time I've ever been there, first time I've ever been to that part of town, it was the end of the night so we were the only people there trying to figure things out. We apparently managed to do everything right, but we were really unsure if we were the entire time until the check came. We did however manage to accidentally upgrade to the premium meat options but it was totally worth it.

Haven't seen conventions mentioned in this thread. Big or small, cons give me the "i don't belong here" feels

Whenever you're in new situations, it's ok to not know how to behave, you never did that before and, unless someone walked you thru, you won't know about hidden rules. Like the first time doing a job interview, or the first time going out on a romantic date. The difference is that in some settings, everyone is so used to everyone "knowing" that they really can't fathom someone not knowing

Funny bit, I recall a piece on the local TV showing a tourist (I think he was German or French) who visited Brazil for the first time. He went to a self service restaurant, but just sat there, waiting for someone to give him a menu, for like 15 minutes until a woman approached him and asked if everything was ok. "Everyone" knows you're supposed to pick a plate and serve your own plate with the available food in these restaurants.

I went through this learning the same example: bus. But other situations, too.

I was always terrified to take the bus for this reason. I never did in grade school (always was picked up) so the few times I had to take the bus was pretty bad - none of the teachers or bus drivers ever told us how to do it, it was just assumed that everyone knew where all the stops were. This was exacerbated by the fact that since I was not a regular, the driver forgot my stop. So the second and maybe last time I took the bus, little 10yo me got off 1 stop early out of fear and walked the rest of the way.

This caused a deep seated trauma around buses and public transit that was only mitigated when I moved somewhere with excellent (by US standards) transit, though I still feel like a fish out of water if I don't know the route or the stops - so trains are a lot less stressful.

Literally everyone in the world does this.

Enjoy your autism mate