this post was submitted on 17 Mar 2025
149 points (98.7% liked)

Transfem

3910 readers
18 users here now

A community for transfeminine people and experiences.

This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.

Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.

This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.

Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.

Some helpful links:

Support Hotlines:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone
149
[Vent] Realizing I'm trans while society is having a meltdown over trans people sucks (slrpnk.net)
submitted 2 days ago by compostgoblin@slrpnk.net to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
19 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

It would be way better to not have society be going through a moral panic about trans people at the same time I’m coming to terms with my trans-ness. I feel like I’d have to struggle with self-acceptance a lot less if I didn’t know that a large percentage of society hates me without knowing a thing about me. I don’t want to have to change out of my girl clothes or take off my makeup because I need to take my dog for a walk around the apartment complex, and I don’t know how my neighbors would treat a visibly trans person. I don’t want to have to worry about when the incongruity between my appearance and my passport is going to become a problem. (Setting aside that now for all my gender markers across documents to match, I can’t change any of them, and they’ll have to stay wrong). I don’t want to have to worry about losing friends or family or my job because I come out to them. I just want to live life being fully myself - what’s so wrong with that?

top 19 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 32 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It's probably helpful to remember that the political scapegoating isn't personal, nothing is wrong with you wanting to live fully as yourself anymore than there is anything wrong with Jewish people living, or gay folks, etc. - we are victimized not because there is any wrong about us, but because it is politically useful.

Stay safe but stay focused on your well-being. Learning to pass is a useful skill, not just for safety but for reducing dysphoria - it sounds crazy but sometimes makeup literally helped me recover from difficult suicidal thoughts.

Focus on the practical, helpful things you can do - what is within your control now. Keep going in the right direction, and don't obsess about things you can't control. As far as I can tell, that's part of how we can reduce unnecessary suffering.

[–] compostgoblin@slrpnk.net 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

But I’m so good at obsessing over things I can’t control!

You’re right though, I just need to keep my head down, be around people I can trust, and keep making progress bit by bit

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 days ago

I am too, tbh - it's natural I think for us to worry and anticipate things that might go wrong. And to be fair, it's good to some extent to be able to anticipate and plan - but any obsessing beyond that is not only unhelpful, but overwhelming and even harmful.

I hope you're able to re-orient around trans joy and euphoria - it does exist, I promise, even as the world around us burns. Remember that just a few decades ago, things were much worse for trans folks in this country, and we will survive worse. Help yourself survive by focusing on your own happiness and well-being. Love yourself, and take care of yourself 🥰

[–] Zorsith@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Yeah 🫤

Wearing a skirt alone in my apartment is about as safe as it gets for me, its incredibly frustrating how little i feel like i can do to be me.

[–] glitchdx@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

skirts are the best! I'm a cis male (and obviously so), and I wear skirts in public all the time (not at work tho, for practical reasons). Most people who have anything to say about it have exclusively been positive.

[–] Zorsith@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

I am in the unfortunate circumstance that there is a 4 digit (or higher) number of people who could recognize me in public (perk of being an "IT guy"...) and start rumours around my extremely large workplace, making my life and a family members life hellish 😐

[–] glitchdx@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'll suppress my urge to say "fuck those people!" because I recognize that isn't always a viable option.

wait, what if you wore a mask? there's another plague winding up, so you've got the excuse. At minimum, plausible deniability?

(i'm trying to be helpful and supportive, let me know if it's not working and I'll stop)

[–] Zorsith@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 days ago

Not too bothered by helpful/supportive.

Dark red state (the major cities are kinda split, but still an uncomfortable amount of red) that more or less ran the state director of health out of office/town in the first year of covid.

I'm.... very noticeable in size/shape/hair/voice. Built like a large sack of grain wouldnt be inaccurate xD

I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that I'm not likely to be happy here. Just trying to get my mental health together (using my currently pretty good insurance) well enough to be able to get a better paying job a significant distance away.

[–] Bryllyg@lemmy.blahaj.zone 23 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Ya stuff really sucks now. States are starting to try and push through even worse laws, and it's getting pretty discouraging. But keep your chin up and keep reaching out. Start with small changes that might be less perceived. Underclothing is a great start. Painting nails should be ok too in most places I hope.

Now that I'm finally ready to change my name there's no point because they are holding up all the passport changes. The ACLU filed a lawsuit in February but I haven't found any updates about that yet. Assuming they even follow a court order to continue processing them...

Just gotta keep on practicing as much self care as possible. Form as many good affirming and positive habits you can. And hopefully things will get better!

[–] compostgoblin@slrpnk.net 13 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Yeah, my state has decent discrimination protections thankfully, but local governments and schools are trying to comply in advance with these bullshit executive orders. It’s just disheartening.

I do paint my nails! It’s one of the most visible affirming things I feel like I can get away with, makes me happy 😊 and I’m planning on getting my earlobes pierced in a few weeks too

[–] OldEggNewTricks@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I’m planning on getting my earlobes pierced in a few weeks too

Yesss! Dooo ittt!

(I'm actually on my way home from the piercing place right now! +100 Girl Points and I'm in a great mood)

[–] compostgoblin@slrpnk.net 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Yay, I’m so happy for you! What jewelry did they give you? Just like simple studs while the piercings heal?

[–] OldEggNewTricks@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 day ago

Probably depends on the place, but the one I went to supplied an extra-long stud (for ease of cleaning) in a choice of 12 colors, silver, gold or clear. They're really tiny so not too ostentatious. I went for purple :3

Now I get to look at all the jewelry shops I've been avoiding when I go to the mall!

[–] ArmoredThirteen@lemmy.zip 9 points 2 days ago

When I was first figuring things out I wore a sports bra a lot. They can be completely invisible but still provide a feeling of something there

[–] Bryllyg@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Sounds like you're at least in a somewhat good place and working towards progress which is awesome!

I've been tremendously happy with the area I live in so far. If I wear a mask, a cute hat, painted nails or not, wearing a purse, and practice my voice, I've been able to pass and get gendered correctly. It's still daunting but my courage is building.

Do everything you can that makes you feel safe and euphoric and keep building yourself up!

[–] compostgoblin@slrpnk.net 5 points 2 days ago

I’m glad you found such a great place to live! I left the red state I grew up in a few years ago, and I’m never looking back.

And thank you for the encouragement 😊 I’m still not brave enough to go outside while presenting femme, but I love the little sparks of joy I get from doing affirming things at home!

[–] LuckingFurker@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 2 days ago

Mood, I'm in the same boat, it sucks

[–] Zzyzx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I used to think I was a coward for not really being out in public. Or that maybe it was the depression. Hell, I didn't even know that being trans was a thing until I was in grad school. I just thought it was fucked in the head. I'm glad information is out there for younger folks. Braver folks. But as for me, I'm probably just going to be stuck as I am until I'm dead.

[–] ncc21166@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 2 days ago

If it helps you at all, I thought the same thing. I'm in my early 40's, scared to death of what might happen in this political climate, and went through some very rough times in the last few years. I finally said enough last month and told my spouse. They're helping me find clothing and picking out nail polish and going with me to my clinic appointments. Find the right people to support you and you can do anything. You can even be yourself, and it's never too late.