Not The Onion
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And that’s basically it!
WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING EGG PRICES YOU GERIATRIC FUCK?!?!
"He isn't paying attention to the jingly keys."
"Find something more-outrageous to say. We'll get there."
I'm sorry, eggs come from female chickens, and any talk of that particular F-word is strictly forbidden.
Dammit!
I said this as a joke nearly a month ago on Discord.
all i get from this is that Donald Trump is in your discord server and stole your idea
I know exactly who it is.
Actually, I'm just going to accuse the one person I know that will be the most upset about me calling him out as Trump.
Right, but this is the reality that runs on jokes, so you can't do that!
Now they're just trying to distract us from the actual dangerous shit they're doing behind the scenes. Don't fall for it!
"now"
Fine, I'll say it: I'm starting to think some of these fellas might be up to no good.
Trump given power
No, he hasn't. Congress hasn't passed it -- it's just been introduced as a bill.
One House Representative introduced it and then released the statement.
Truly this will make eggs cheaper
Oh my fucking God. Holy sweet fucking Lord in heaven. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm already done.
And here we are; all thinking that we are in the dumbest timeline. Turns out, we are all right about that.
Let's see how dumb this timeline will get.
Red, White, and Blueland
Does this mean France, and Russia, and every other country with those colors in their flags also have claims to that land?
Every other country should unanimously vote to call the USA something stupid since apparently countries can just rename other countries
Dumbfuckistan, I say this as an American....it's gotten so childish here.
identified the purchase of what is now Greenland as a national security priority
This is no joke and he’s going to start taking land. He’s serious about Canada too.
Fuck everyone in advance who buys the security angle.
Nazi shit shined with a US flag and it’s ok with the USA.
Cool. Just renamed my apartment "The REAL United States of America". Every room is now a new state. The guest bathroom is obviously "New Ohio". There. See how much that lowered egg prices?
The geopolitical fanfiction writes itself. Renaming Greenland like some corporate rebrand desperate to distract from melting assets – national security theater now starring spray-painted glaciers. The cognitive contortions needed to frame territorial karaoke as "strategic expansion" would earn Olympic gold in mental gymnastics.
They've upgraded from labeling dissenters "anti-American" to legislating cartographic fanfic. Six-month bureaucratic deadlines for rewriting maps? Peak legislative productivity achieved while infrastructure crumbles and healthcare implodes. At least the Sharpie industry thrives.
Denmark's diplomatic eye-roll echoes through the performative patriotism. Soft power evolves into PowerPoint jingoism – why address rising seas when you can rename them? The real climate action? Mandating all future hurricanes adopt surnames from Founding Fathers. Priorities, people.
This has to be ragebait cover for something else, right?
Like even the dimmest, least self aware, MAGA-hat-wearing dumbass would feel embarrassed to say "Red, White, and Blueland" out loud.
Right???
I'm fairly certain this is real news and not a parody.
Edit: Yes it is: https://buddycarter.house.gov/news/documentsingle.aspx?DocumentID=15398
This government is stupider and more childish than any TikTok challenge to date... combined
This rhetoric is terrifying. Look at that speech. That's getting stoned on your own farts and getting them preemptively fresh speech. That's the sort of way literally only cultists and fascist governments speak. That's a dprk ass comment.
The EU should come together and rename USA as "Lalaland". Since that's apparently a thing countries do now?
It's been less than a month since he's been in office and this is a visual representation on how I feel about the whole thing...
I feel so bad for Americans having to put up with this.
You know how the germans act when we talk about Hitler?! That will be americans in the future. Like WHAT THE FUCK?
Oh look it's the United States Congress version of shitposting.
I don't know why they need a bill for this. Apparently the President can just sign an executive order renaming geographical features, and everyone just had to go along with it.
This is worse than some parodies
I fully expected Trump to drag America in a farcical dictatorship if he was reelected.
I just expected it to take longer.
God damn it, this is the prequel to Idiocracy isn't it? Is this just a simulation so an A I. can generate a movie for someone? This is my far the dumbest thing I have ever heard a politician doing as a legit political act. All we're missing is a, 'brought to you by Carl Jr's' attached to the bill.
This is what our elected representatives believe is important. This is what they are wasting our tax dollars on. Burn it all down.
Ok, I don't support these clowns, and I hate that this is the way the public is finding out, but isn't it nice that people are starting to truly see how incapable, incompetent, and corrupt our elected leaders have always been?
Where are these people that are starting to see this? The morons that voted for Trump are ecstatic with these distractions.
There was a discussion recently on reddit and basically almost everyone agreed that the Republicans in their circles don't see anything wrong with what the government is doing, Musk and all.
In other news, Republicans vote to turn Congress into giant MAGA circle jerk.
there's no way we're not living in a simulation. it fucking sucks. Please, somebody delete me right now I don't want to play anymore 😭
This "buddy" is so nose deep up Trumps ass that he just climbed out of his mouth
The madness runs deeper than the figurehead.