The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.

This is why you're supposed to join an org. Most serious orgs have an onboarding process where you'll be taught basic precepts and foundational texts of the ideology embraced by that particular org. You'll also be assigned to do work by the org, and be build up to become someone who embodies the ideals of the org. You have imposter syndrome because you haven't done anything to advance the emancipatory project, and you haven't done anything to advance the emancipatory project because you are not part of an org.

Unless you're some rich multimillionaire quietly funding underground Maoist insurgent cells, you'll not be able to contribute unless you're part of an org. If there are no suitable orgs near you, your responsibility is to either create your own org or support other orgs. Creating your own org is self-explanatory in a "draw the rest of the fucking owl" sense. Supporting other orgs can range from financially supporting them to doing agiprop for them. Even if you're the only leftist in a sea of Christofascists, you can still contribute to the cause. But you can't do this on your own. None of us can.

Honestly I think Capital is best absorbed as an audiobook. Throw it on while you're doing something else, because it is so God damn boring until you get to the later spicy bits.

You are now to explain to us orbital hybridisation in 45 minutes, or you are not up to our standards. /s

You've got imposter syndrome. Lots of people have it. It's just our brains working against us to exaggerate our sense of inadequacy and then use this to get in the way of doing entirely reasonable and feasible things like reading some books.

For context, to be a socialist means recognizing the falsehoods of liberalism and working against them. Liberalism is hegemonic, though, so that means defenders of liberalism only need to rely on prevailing wisdom and clichés while we inevitably need to know a bunch of stuff to get through to them. Though don't be fooled by that one condescending person! If they were in any way competemt or purposeful about building socialism they would have supported you in joining their way of seeing things, not made you feel like you aren't even a leftist - assuming you weren't saying anything highly reactionary. Anyone that regularly does org work with community recognizes the liberal impulse to dunk on people that don't need dunking on and trains their members to not do that.

I've known lots of people in your boat. The only way I've ever seen them work through it is by building confidence by doing work with an org and by reading the theory that had made them insecure to not know. Not that it was easy. Some did org work and felt insecure for over a year because they didn't dedicate time to reading. But once they did, they felt better and better. I think it helps that other people they felt intimidated by didn't actually know that much, that just reading 3 books put them in a better place to understand theory than the person that made them feel less than. For example, one person's critic was a Trot that wasn't even in an org doing anything and had a series of bad takes that became obvious in hindsight.

Something that helps is by not letting org work or reading be too big of a hurdle. You don't need to run a committee or read Das Kapital right away.

Here is a doable alternative for org work: identify an org by going to an action and asking how you can help. It's okay to dip your toes in. If all you do is support other people in the org by being nice to them and helping out with logistics (taking notes, transporting materials, etc) you will still be very helpful!

Here is a doable alternative for reading theory: read 1 (1) short book over the next few months. Something like Blackshirts and Reads that is written in modern language and is low on jargon. Take some notes on key ideas in each chapter that resonated with you, or just some bullet points.

Okay my comment is getting too long so I'll wrap it up. Don't think of my comment as just saying, "go read theory", because I'm not nagging you or being flippant! I'm still suggesting reading but it is because this is a good way to break through how you are feeling. In this case, you can make the impossible feel possible by doing it in small pieces and at your own pace. And you should also forgive yourself both for your perceived inadequacy (it is valid to feel overwhelmed) and for your reticence. These are common feelings but you don't deserve them. You're already wanting to fight the good fight, there are just some barriers, and, like most people, one of them is your own brain!

Please feel free to PM me if you prefer that, I have worked with and mentored many people in your boat. Replying (or not) here is also totally cool.

I don’t think so, my beliefs are a dadaistic incoherent mess on purpose and nobody has said anything

yes. even if you are a leftist, if you deviate even a little from what the clique of weirdo mods and super online "friends" (cops) agree on you will be deleted and or banned eventually.

i mean what counts as bullying? the answer is no becasue nobody reads on Hexbear /hyperbole. also, i personally feel as if the word leftist is a somewhat nebulous term that doesn't actually mean much or tell me much about a person.