God they’re good

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

Why does this fucker always look like he's dropping a deuce and about to cry about it?

He also sued the department store with the giant foot piano because he messed up Heart & Soul in front of other people.

Turning Ben Shapiro into a real boy was a mistake.

Dammit onion, you make it so hard to know what is real and what is not

I take any Onion article as truth until proven otherwise. So far it's worked. Speaking of which, I recommend the article "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens". Seems to be a regularly featured topic.

What a fantastic marketing strategy - without having any idea what the product is, just hearing that it denied him would kinda make many people want to use it? :-P

Billionaire lapdogs being paid millions shilling to brain dead audience...