72
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
this post was submitted on 10 Apr 2024
72 points (82.1% liked)
Asklemmy
43750 readers
1281 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- !lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
I feel like you might be onto it. If you actually care too much what other people are thinking of you, but are unhappy with yourself for how dependent that makes you (and maybe trying to deny or ignore it), then the direct experience of these compliments would be net negative. When people say bad things, your desire for emotional independence and your immediate urge to hold the comment at a distance are not in conflict, so there's no problem.
Right. I didn't to write too much in my initial comment here, but a search engine search with "do not rebuke or praise" should show more on this. I got this idea from a book I read. I have the paper book here, and in that chapter the old guy gives an example of praise, and asks how the young guy feels about it. The young guy answers that he find it feeling unpleasant cause "one is being talked down to".
I find myself still in the habit of going for praise rather than just showing gratitude but I am more aware that praising can create this non horizontal structure where the person praising is kind of unintentionally sharing their world view as authoritative towards the other person and with that decreases freedom and horizontal relationships.
That's interesting, I don't usually think of gratitude as an alternative to praise, but I'm going to try to keep that in mind in the future. I definitely have felt that I come across as insincere or condescending at times when I give praise and it makes me very self-conscious to give or receive it, but gratitude is just more enjoyable for both parties.