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What's with all the tech layoffs?
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There's your mistake, treating bash like a language and not like a scripting tool. Its strength is that it's a common standard available on almost every machine because its older than most of us, its weakness is that it's full of horribly outdated syntax because its older than most of us. If used to script other processes it's great, but when you start using it as a language then the number of ways you can do something horrible that sort of works makes JavaScript look slick!