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this post was submitted on 10 Nov 2023
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Asklemmy
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That I've had to turn down some really cool overseas job opportunities. I couldn't tell my kids that I even got the job offers because their mother (my ex wife) refuses to consider the move and how we'd need to share the kids time with them overseas.
If I told the kids (now late teens) that their dream of living overseas was stymied so far by their mother's recalcitrance they might disown her, at least for a while.
It really sucks because not only don't I get to take the jobs, but I also have to hide my excitement at even getting the offer from my own family so that I can maintain my kids' relationship with their mother.
A hidden hero.
There's hopefully some context you're leaving out for the sake of privacy or something, but... Why would your ex consider a move to Europe for your work? I wouldn't even expect my wife to be 100% on board with uprooting her entire life to move halfway across the world.
I dont think they're saying they expect her to. They appear to just be describing what's happening.
As to why, probably custody arrangements and anti-kidnapping laws and treaties.
It's the custody agreement part that I'm wrestling with, though I'm sure if I just ran off with the kids I'd hit kidnapping and Interpol issues too. That'd be exciting, though unlikely to be a productive outcome all around.
Ah, there's a bit of miscommunication. My ex wouldn't move with us in this situation.
Though, in this case, my wife is 100% on board. She and I have wanted to make this kind of move for a while, so I've got full support on that side of things. I wouldnt have even begun any applications without her total but in.
I see. But the custody part is kind of part of the game when having children, as and she's fully entitled with not being interested in having her children move abroad. Your previous comment kind of painted her as being inconsiderate and stifling her children's dreams. I'm curious as to why you even began applications without her buy in as well. She's not your wife anymore, but she's still the mother of the children.
Yeah I can see how this is complicated.
I don't see why you don't share that you got the job offer and then tell your kids that you'll have to work out custody arrangements with their mother. And then share with the kids how those discussions go. I think they're old enough (as teens) to have a say in those discussions, as well as be privy to how they go.
There's no reason they shouldn't see it unfold in front of them; just make sure that you're never the one to specifically say "your mother won't work anything out with me so moving overseas with me would mean I never see you again"
This is a passive aggressive and shitty thing to do.
Not wanting your kids to be moved overseas and only see them half the year is a normal reaction. Most teenagers are mature enough to see through the veil that mom is the reason they can't go but not mature enough to truly understand why. They'd blame her regardless.
Yes, this advice about “just don’t be the one to say …” is 100% about covering OP’s own ass and not at all about it being the right thing to do.
Slimy.
Being pedantic here, but most custody arrangements are like this anyway.
Obviously, half the parents being overseas makes that significantly harder and probably untenable for most.