I lean leftwards because I want more people to get the help, dignity and peace they need and deserve. Now I feel a wave of being told to "harden my heart" and I feel scared and isolated. I don't have it in me to become a martyr and estrange myself from most people any further, I get nervous with the leftism I see so often expressed as wanting the bad people suffer, and that anything short of revolution is not just not good enough, but worse than doing nothing. And then I have constant guilt that I'm judging people more discriminated than me for how they express things; that my fears aren't valid and expressions of privilege.
By now I'm feeling emotional burnout, I get annoyed by any respone that isn't in-depth analysis because it just feels like watching the same responses happening over and over and never going anywhere.
I highly recommend you to check out the first half of Pedro Ross's book "How the worker parliaments saved the Cuban revolution". It's a very passionate retelling of the community organizing to help each other and confront the odds during a very dark and difficult time (the Periodo Especial, after the illegal and antidemocratic dissolution of the USSR).
I also recommend you to listen to The Stalin Eras series by ProlesPod, they have an episode where they detail recountings about food commissars during war-induced famine literally starving to death while being in charge of the food, because they understood that feeding the peasants who'd bring in next year's harvest was more important than feeding themselves.
However: It's also very relevant that there's (rightfully) a propagandistic effort by communists such as myself not to outright promote violence for violence's sake, but to showcase that peaceful idealism is definitely abused by the ruling classes and injected into leftism. I hate violence, but I hate even more that we live in an eternal spiral of it, and that the movements that tried to distance themselves from taking arms (see Allende) ended up crushed and on the receiving end of much worse violence.
Socialist history is chuck full of acts of selfless love. Hexbear is a bit irony-poisoned and that works differently on different people, I personally enjoy it, it fosters a very direct and confrontational atmosphere where ruthless criticism is often welcome (I agree we may be too much sometimes)