I lean leftwards because I want more people to get the help, dignity and peace they need and deserve. Now I feel a wave of being told to "harden my heart" and I feel scared and isolated. I don't have it in me to become a martyr and estrange myself from most people any further, I get nervous with the leftism I see so often expressed as wanting the bad people suffer, and that anything short of revolution is not just not good enough, but worse than doing nothing. And then I have constant guilt that I'm judging people more discriminated than me for how they express things; that my fears aren't valid and expressions of privilege.
By now I'm feeling emotional burnout, I get annoyed by any respone that isn't in-depth analysis because it just feels like watching the same responses happening over and over and never going anywhere.
If that's the case, that needs to be addressed. Though it's the opposite for me. For example the reading group on menby where we read "The Will to Change - Men, Masculinity and Love" by bell hooks really helped me to be more kind.
Of course you're allowed to heal first! You're not at fault. Society forced you to repress your gender in order to survive. It's really great that you're able to envision transitioning now. From all I know, it can definitely help with depression. You, know "From all according to their abilities, to all according to their needs!" and all that. That's what communism is all about, right? Just you knowing who you are (or aren't) despite all the bullshit propaganda is already incredibly inspiring. You're already helping in that way. And that's enough.
If you need to heal before you can consistently be useful in helping other people, then that's all there is to it, even if just saying so plainly is not enough to address those feelings about it. I'm not one to talk about how "self-care is revolutionary" or things like that, but it is literally procedurally true that rest and rehabilitation are part of being as productive a worker as you can be in any context, including this one.
It is worth noting that orgs can give you new friends and a sense of community, so it could be helpful to join one but just be open that you can only participate peripherally, but that's up to you and what options are available to you.