Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Congratulations! Through introspection you have discovered the meaning of life! ...or the lack of it, that is. This soul-crushing realization has lead many people to many different coping mechanisms(drug abuse, overeating, religion, suicide, hyperobsession over something, etc.).
So, what now? That is for you to decide, I can only share my experience in hope that something might resonate, but it is ultimately up to you. Adults in your life are not that much different from you, they do have more life experience and much of it is valuable, but perhaps not fully applicable to you specifically. This is true for everyone, in varying degrees.
Yes, there is no meaning to life, which means it is up to you to define what success/failure looks like for you. And you can't know ahead of time what that is, you have to try things and discover. For some people what they want to do in life also shifts over time.
Yes, there is no reason to live, but there is also no reason NOT to live. The world is completely indifferent to your existance. Whatever choice you make, it doesn't matter. Your achievements don't matter, but also your failures don't matter either. Nothing does, unless YOU think it matters. Freedom is both liberating and oppressing.
Happiness/unhappiness is determined purely by your perception, and not by situations you find yourself in. For example, imagine yourself in a cafeteria, eating shitty food. If you were a student it might make you feel unhappy since the food is shitty, if you were a homeless person this might be your one meal you don't have to dumpster dive for. Same exact situation, two different people, two different experiences. Sure, it's not as simple as deciding to suddenly be happy, but you do have a surprising amount of control over it.
There is dark and light in the world, whichever you focus more on, you will perceive more of. And yes, that is easier said than done.