Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Sounds like life isn't going to get easier for you in the respects you want. It will get a lot harder.
Eventually you will leave school and have to be more of a people pleaser, deal with more empty people that are fake as fuck, and eventually seem fake as fuck too because you hide who you are to be safe and keep your job.
And there's a threat of homelessness if you fuck this up in any serious way.
Save up, get your guitar, realize that it doesn't end up saving your life and making it great or more meaningful on its own magically, but only if you actually invest time and energy learning it. You might get a cheap guitar and think that, if only you had that $700 guitar or that amp or those pedals it might sound good. Nah, you just need to learn how to be good on your own. And it'll be boring for a while, until it's not that boring, but it isn't going to give you dopamine like video games do. It will force you to work for that accomplishment.
It's actually a pretty good goal imo because it will teach you what it sounds like you need to learn, how to invest your own time and energy into some aspect of life to get more out of life. It's not going to be like Instagram or tv, won't feed you dopamine for free. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. Life is just like that, except people get hooked into the easy shallow things like TV and video games, and don't end up doing the most basic shit like creating.
You don't have to wait for the guitar either. You can learn to do art for cheap. Watercolor can be super cheap. All these things will give life meaning.