Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Things may not automatically get better, but with age comes perspective and perspective is everything. I am not of the opinion that life has some inherent purpose, life is ultimately what you make of it.
I came from a broken home that I ended up leaving when I was 16 after dropping out of highschool to work multiple jobs to make rent. It took me several rudderless years of minimum wage jobs before deciding I deserved better. I went and got my GED, my bachelor's, and eventually finished grad school.
One thing I think people need to be content is to work at something that they can be proud of. For some lucky people that can also make them money, but I don't think that's a very important aspect. For me the initial thing that pulled me out of my misery was service to others. I like helping people, I like making people's lives better in any way I can, I live to serve. I also love working with my hands, turning ideas and materials into something tangible and giving it purpose.
I was lucky enough to turn that into a career working in a field of healthcare where I get to help people by building things. I truly think that humans need to be busy, not necessarily working, but still being productive in some way. I say buy that guitar, screw what your parents think, they don't have to live your life. It's never too late to learn a skill and it's easier to pick up the younger you are. I didn't start taking piano lessons until my 30s, and it's now one of my favorite pastimes.
Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself and others. You are young and the world is full of opportunities. Once youre older you will be envious of the time you have ahead of you, it goes by fast.