Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Things don't automatically get better in life. You have to work to improve them. You can be grateful for the things in your life and still pursue the things that fulfill you. But if you're just going through the motions without having something you're working toward, you're never going to stop going through the motions.
Living takes money, as you say, but the things worth doing don't always have a cost. When I was young I could have a great day counting trees and swimming in lakes. I could wander the neighborhood. I could ride a bike — not to anywhere, just ride it. You can draw, paint, play guitar, sing, write, read. Christ, I have money and I look around and just see I've pissed it away on stupid consumer bullshit that doesn't make me happy at all, and takes more effort ultimately that the old cheap ways. I have a stupid $1500 robot vacuum that constantly gets jammed up or needs new rollers or censors or to be emptied, to be filled.... fuck it'd be easier to just use a broom and mop.
Is that so bad? I miss having friends. I love my wife and kids and my extending family but I miss just fucking around with friends most weekends.
It's a bunch of bullshit, but some folks thrive on having something like religion to focus their life around. Just don't go thinking it makes you or anyone special to be religious. But when it is focused on moving forward and being selfless, it can offer people a path to bettering themselves. Like, don't get me wrong, I think it's terrible and do not recommend religion, but some folks find it fulfilling is all.
If someone told you your reason for being alive, what would you do with that? Resent it because it's not what you would choose? Embrace the path you never had a say in? Would you consider yourself a failure if you didn't achieve it? Would you consider yourself worthy and righteous if you did?
You get to choose what your calling is. You get to define success. You get to change your mind. No one is going to tell you why you are here (well they might in religion, but they are wrong). You steer your life in the direction of things you think are important.
Wishing will never make you good at anything. On the other hand, no one can stop you from worrying a song, a poem, a verse that holds meaning for you.
Always has been so. So what? You aren't them and you'll find gifts you've been given that they never were.
If none of it makes sense now, someday it will. But that doesn't mean wait. It means get out there and keep doing with a goal in mind. Big or small. It's best to start small. And see what you can do.
Anyhow, good luck.
They can get automatically worse though.