this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2026
235 points (96.4% liked)

Not The Onion

21977 readers
901 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] TheStaffmaster@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)

step one: Isolate the gene for penis length.

Step two: discern if the geen needs to be copied or trimmed to cause enlargement

step three: using CRISPR gene editing, formulate the necessary edits and then bioengineer a retrovirus delivery method.

step four: make sure that the panel for FDA approval is all men and/or trans men (hey, if we're gonna do this there are legit G.A.C. uses!)

step five: Build a Money Bin like freakin' Scrooge McDuck to handle all the money that you're about to get.

Step six: Patent the hell out that shit.

Step seven: Profit, my bitches!!

[–] remotelove@lemmy.ca 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed… and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering… would correct this trend in evolution.

But sadly, the greatest minds and resources… were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

load more comments (4 replies)