Ask Lemmy

I started last year, for several reasons. Most of which werr related to my wife and I creating a polycule with another couple a year earlier. After 1 year in I did some evaluation and realized I needed to make some changes, and journaling was an answer for a lot of those.

1. Memory. I'm almost certainly on the autistic spectrum, and for most of my life I've had a remarkably good memory. Not "photographic", and I known better than to trust any human memory too much, but in general I was pretty good at remembering details. I am also very introverted. I like to spend time alone, reflecting on the last couple of days and solidifying my memories in meditation.

Being in a polycule means that I both have much less time for that meditation and much more stuff to remember. I also was a mild THC user before, mostly for my knee pain or jjsy because getting high on occasion is fun. But ibstatted leaning on it more heavily to deal with the stress of constant socialization.

So when I found myself in conversations remembering that I had been told things, but unable to remember what they were. Like my girlfriend's home town or my boyfriend's favorite Zelda game. Not stuff they even necessarily expected me to remember, but stuff I felt bad for forgetting.

2. Validation and evaluation. One of the establishing philosophies of the polycule we talked about up-front was that we woukd still prioritize our respective marriages. We were all established adults and homeowners with no children- this wasn't a full joining-of-households or roomates situation. Last summer I started to feel like my wife wasn't spending much time with me though. I started journaling and after a few months found that, sure enough, we had pretty much stopped doing all of the things the two of us used to do together (playing videogames, watching TV and movies ,etc). It is not at all that I minded her spending time with the other people, but when she WAS home with me she woukd just lay on the couch reading, sleeping, scrolling Instagram, or playing Stardew Valley.

My wife also has a medical condition that derailed her career, so a while ago we decided it made more sense for her to stop working and be a homemaker. So I became the sole income earner, and she took over the chores we used to split(laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc). I would still contribute on occssion: I am not some boomer stereotype of a man who doesn't know how a laundry machine works, and I like to cook on occasion. But as she spent more and more time with our girlfriend and boyfriend she also did less and less of those chores. It led to a lot of Saturday mornings, which are supposed to be so e relaxing time off work for me, but instead I need to spend time cleaning or scooping the litter or getting groceries because she didn't do it, and with our gf & bf coming over that night I want the house to be respectable.

I FELT all of these things, and discussed them with her a little bit, but journaling gave me the confidencd to talk to my wife about it, provide details, and help her to see what she was doing too. When I said that we never did anything together anymore, her first reaction was "wait didn't we just watch that TV show like a week or two ago?". And because of journaling I was able to say "that was 5 months ago".

3. Working through feelings. For most of my life I have done this without needing to write anything down. I would just spend some time alone and, well, think. Let the thoughts and feelings flow naturally and sort them out. But with so much less time to myself I wanted to take a more direct and active approach. I still think I prefer my natural approach- doing it through journalling feels forced and rushed. But its better than just struggling.

4. Monitoring health. I weighed 207lbs when we started this polycule, and now I'm down to 161. Largely due to a couple stints of low-carb dieting.

Also, not to get too graphic but group sex is very different from duo or solo. So having a record of how things have gone and how I've felt about things has been nice.

I should also note that for the first 6 months, I just logged narratively. I tried to remember to write down important things, tried to predict what my future self might want to go back and check later. Using keywords I would know to search for (digital is better for me- I use Joplin). After 6 months, I decided to pull out some key measurables and use a separate app to log those. My weed and alcohol use, exercise, and sexual activity.