TW: Dysphoria
Yesterday, my guy friend sent me a text that I'm still thinking about. I just wanted to vent about it here.
"I went to a recording of a podcast and one of the guests reminded me so much of you. Very similar speaking pattern and mannerisms. It was a comedy show with all autistic people so I guess that adds up."
I should mention that there isn't anything wrong at all with being autistic, but I'm personally not autistic and it gets old after a while constantly being assumed to have a neurodivergent identity I don't. It's also a delicate issue to just assume that about a trans woman due to how often the trans/autism correlation is weaponized. I can be a socially awkward person, especially around strangers, but I've had two therapists and three doctors and I've never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety, depression, and gender dysphoria.
So far, not too bad, but it gets worse. I politely mentioned to him that I'm not autistic, but it's wild to have seen someone so similar, and then asked about the podcast and who the comedian was. I then click into the video and realize he was talking about a male comedian. I did see, unfortunately, a lot of my pre-transition (or post-transition? I don't want to know) self in this guy, not just in terms of mannerisms and speaking pattern, but also some of the physical traits I was most dysphoric about.
I don't think my friend was genuinely trying to hurt me. It's surreal and cool to see someone new you think looks like someone you know. But he just shouldn't have said anything in this case. I can't shake the question, Is this how my friend sees me? Is this how everyone sees me? We were friends pre-transition, so that's a thing. I've just worked so hard on my appearance and my voice over the past five years, and I thought HRT was working great, but now I'm second-guessing all of it.
I'm not sure what to do. I definitely need some space. I don't know if it's worth it to have a conversation about this, since you can't control how others perceive you. I'm even at the point where I'm considering if I want to remain friends with him.
TL;DR My friend texted me about a podcast featuring someone he thought looked and sounded like me, along with assumptions about trans women and autism. It turned out he was comparing me to a man. I'm feeling dysphoric, questioning all my progress, and unsure if I want to continue being friends with him.
"Don't tell your transfem friend she reminds you of a dude" sounds like a pretty basic and easy rule to follow but I guess not. So sorry that happened to you.
This person should apologize to you. :(
Unfortunately with how sexism is, some people can still surprisingly think that comparing you to a woman is an insult and that comparing you to a man is more of a complement?
I get that cis people sometimes get the "this person seemed like they could have been you if you were a man/woman or could have been your twin" and it's not intended as an insult. But it's simply not appropriate to tell trans people such, especially without such explicit qualifiers.