Asklemmy

Context:

I had a close friendship that lasted about 8 years (started in 2017). It was never romantic, but emotionally intense. For a long time we were in daily contact and shared a lot. He did an Erasmus thanks to my advice (in a period that was very difficult for him), we shared visits across Europe in our study and / or work periods abroad or in Naples (close to where we lived and he lives now) / Germany (where I moved for good in 2022).

Over time, it became clear that we had very different views of what friendship should look like, mostly because my life has changed, the time at my disposal changed too and he never accepted this transition.

My view

I see friendship as something that can remain real and meaningful even if:

you don’t talk every day

you don’t see each other often

initiative isn’t constant

For me, caring is shown more through:

listening

long-term consistency

If it happens to meet each other, great. If it doesn't, it's still ok and it doesn't mean I don't care.

I struggle to force emotional behaviors that don’t come naturally to me. When I do, it feels inauthentic.

His view

He believes that friendship only has value if:

you see each other often

there is frequent initiative

affection is clearly and consistently shown

His belief is basically:

“If you care about someone, you show it.

If it doesn’t come naturally, you make the effort anyway.

If you don’t show it, you don’t really care (or you have a serious emotional problem).”

For him, a “low-contact” friendship is empty and meaningless.

The core conflict

He started comparing his place in my life to that of other friends (for example childhood friends: if I came back to my hometown for Christmas holiday and did not make space to meet him, while I spent time with my childhood friends those days, he would consider it as rejection; if I didn't make proposals, which I very rarely do in general because my life has changed with work, girlfriend and life abroad, he would consider it as one-sided friendship). He would often travel to visit me in Germany when I was available. I must admit that I have been harsh sometimes (in communication), but his depression and the guilt he threw on me for the situation wore me out.

To him, these comparisons were objective proof that I valued him less and that he was being wronged.

From my perspective, these choices felt normal and not meant as a hierarchy or rejection.

Escalation

During this time, he fell into a severe depressive period.

My lack of initiative and limited availability (consider that I live in Germany now and he lives in Italy) were experienced by him as:

rejection

emotional cruelty

proof that the friendship was fake

He began to describe me as:

cold

inhuman

manipulative

I, on the other hand, felt:

constantly guilty

emotionally pressured to be someone I’m not

incapable of meeting his expectations no matter what I did

Break

Eventually, I pulled away.

In December 2024, there was the first bad signs. I came back home for the Christmas holidays (about 19-20 days) and I basically came back to spend time with my family and girlfriend. He was already feeling alone and depressed. I actually told him that I would let him know if I managed to spend a day in Naples, but eventually it didn't happen and he felt wounded and ignored, getting angry with me. I know that he felt bad and that he would have made time for me in reverse. But that's his way of living friendships. Should I feel bad because I didn't set a date in advance for him? The last time we had met each other before that was June 2024 in Germany where I live and he felt like it was an eternity already. Plus, he grew frustrated and resented that most of the energy and proposals came from him. But again, should I feel guilty if I now work differently than before and I am less proactive in friendships?

The final nails in the coffin were March and May 2025. In March, I felt overwhelmed by his constant accusations and his depression, with intrusive thoughts, and I told him I needed some space for myself. Of course it was interpreted as abandonment and when in April I told him that the daily-contact friendship we had wasn't sustainable for me anymore, and that all I could offer was the relaxed, occasional contact that I have with any other friend (even the ones he feels "inferior" to) the situation got worse for him. He started accusing me more heavily. In May, he had a trip to Germany already planned and I refused to meet him after his accusations. He exploded, insulted me and got to the point of self-harm. After that, I blocked him on social media.

I didn’t do it to punish him, but because I felt overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

The silence, however, became for him:

final confirmation that I never cared

an aggravating factor that deepened his anger and hatred

He also got to the point of self-harm.

The messages I received became extremely hostile.

Current situation

We’ve had no contact for months.

I’m more at peace, but I still carry guilt and doubt.

I don’t feel anger toward him.

He likely sees me as someone who destroyed the friendship and caused deep harm.

I wonder:

Was I actually always damaging to him?

Can two people genuinely care about each other and still be emotionally incompatible?

Is silence sometimes self-protection rather than cruelty?

Is it realistic that, with time, a calmer, low-contact friendship could ever exist?

I’m not trying to justify myself or paint him as a villain.

I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this was inevitable incompatibility, or if I failed in a more fundamental way.

Any perspective appreciated.