Ask Lemmy

Hello and thank you for asking the question I have been waiting to answer.

I have been an atheist since I was eleven. At times, I have been viciously critical of organized religion. I have absolutely no tolerance for intolerance of people on the basis of skin colour, ability, or sexual orientation, identity, or preference.

My wife and I wanted to have a child, but we had no family and few friends in a new city. In any case, both my mother and mother-in-law have passed away. If our child was ever going to have much of a community, we knew we would have to build it.

Two years ago I started to go to church. I tried to pick carefully: I was not interested in hearing about how people are lowly sinners, that we need to be saved, that without big-G God we are all screwed, etc., etc. In my case, I settled on the United Church of Canada. I found a local ministry that had undertaken the process of becoming an Affirming Ministry - that is, a ministry that explicitly seeks to atone for past mistreatment of LGBTQ2S+ community members and explicitly welcomes their full participation. I sought this not because I am a member of that community, but because I consider it a sign of a genuine desire to be and do good on the part of the congregation. I am aware that the United Church was involved in residential schools and that the abuse of Indigenous People in such schools was horrible. The UC does not try to hide their involvement. They have apologized and are trying to make amends for the unforgivable things the church was party to - I think the effort to do better is sincere.

When I went to my first service, I was shaking. I brought a notepad and pen to write down all the awful stuff that I expected the Minister to say. People were friendly enough, but they didn't know I was ... an atheist. I thought that when they found out, they would chase me out with torches and pitchforks. I sat through the whole service waiting to hear the minister say something unforgivable so we could get up and leave.

So it's been two years and this is how it is going: I am an openly atheist member of my church community. I don't go every week, but I miss it when I don't go. Everyone was friendly, from the beginning. Nothing changed when I told them I was an atheist. No one has EVER tried to convert me: not the minister, not anybody. Other members of the congregation believe different things than I believe, but we don't get in each other's faces about it.

Mostly, we sing and talk about what it means to be a good person. Then we eat biscuits and drink coffee and chat. Religion has never come up outside of service.

Our minister says that god is love - and I think she might mean it literally. Sometimes I genuinely believe that what we are celebrating is nothing more than the idea of people loving each other, caring for each other, and striving to build a better world. We don't discuss sin or the afterlife. We welcome people of other faiths (and no faith) into our church.

A common theme at our church is the idea that Jesus has no hands but these (please imagine i am gesturing with my hands, and pointing at yours, etc). If the very mention of "Jesus" makes you cringe a little - I am right there with you. However, what I think they mean is that if people want to create a better world, we have to do the work. No one is coming to help us. Our church tries to do some of that good work: we sponsor refugees (currently a muslim family from Afghanistan who come to all the social events but rarely the service), we collect for the foodbank, do outreach to the elderly and disabled. We even organized a counter-protest when a hate group held a rally in our city. Church is a great way to find volunteer opportunities, if you are into that.

On the social side, our latest initiative is a games night. We also do movie screenings and play groups. We are trying to become, in some small way, a third place. You absolutely do NOT have to come to service to attend this events.

As for my family? They love it. It has become an important part of our social life. We know people in our community, and Eric gets to meet all sorts - including our new friends who are elderly and disabled. I believe that a way to raise tolerant and empathic kids is to expose them to real diversity.

Not every church is like this, I know. The UC even has an atheist Minister (in Toronto, I believe) - that can't be common. Maybe your town doesn't have something like this. If you can't find this, you could try the Secular Humanist Association. I used to go to their weekly meetings - they never said anything cringe, but they also never did much in the way of helping the community. Also, they don't sing :(