For most of my life I’ve struggled with Emetophobia. It started when I was in second grade and threw up in my bed in the middle of the night. I honestly didn’t mind vomiting, but I was worried because for whatever reason I was fixated on telling my mom what happened when she came to check on me. I kept thinking over and over what I was going to say, like it had to be perfect English and grammar lol. This happened again later in the year, but this time, the fear was about me wanting to be independent. My parents asked me to open the door, and I told them no. Eventually they got me to open it, and I ended up running to their room crying. My actual fear of vomiting didn’t start until I was about eight or nine years old and I was sick with the stomach flu. Since that time, I have not thrown up. It has been ten years and I’m dreading every day that goes by because I’m so afraid that the day will come. My mom has the same fear but she has it way worse than me. I have the typical reaction when I see people throwing up, I cringe for a second and walk away from it, but my mom completely freaks out and will run and hide. I remember one time when I was about five years old, I was feeling sick at my younger sister’s birthday party after drinking too many juice boxes. Unable to speak, I ran to my mom gagging. She immediately yelled out to her mom, and she took me to the bathroom while my mom ran and hid. Once I had finished throwing up, I went out to see my mom crying in the corner. She told me that she developed her fear at about the same age I did, because her sister threw up on her. She went 15 years without throwing up, and when she did, told me it wasn’t that bad. Yet she talked about it for a long time afterwards. Is this fear genetic? And how can I fix it?
Whether genetics or not, I wouldn't dismiss the sensory part of the experience: being autistic means being more susceptible to sensory overstimulation. You know, despite feeling better, that the smell and taste lingers for a long while. Some autistic folks also struggle with pathogical demand avoidance. Being forced by your body to go through the act of purging might bring out the anxiety that comes from PDA. Unrelated: don't brush your teeth right afterwards but rinse mouth with baking soda. If this is traumatic for you (whatever that means for you), don't downplay it just because most people seem to not struggle so much with it as you do and find someone to talk about it (your experience of it).
Thank you! And yes, the feeling of it is terrible. That’s what most of my fear is