this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2025
11 points (100.0% liked)

Chat

8062 readers
17 users here now

Relaxed section for discussion and debate that doesn't fit anywhere else. Whether it's advice, how your week is going, a link that's at the back of your mind, or something like that, it can likely go here.

Subcommunities on Beehaw:

This community's icon was made by Aaron Schneider, under the CC-BY-NC-SA 4.0 license.

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
alyaza@beehaw.org
remington@beehaw.org
11
Quick folo on ex-wife phone calls (beehaw.org)
submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by Powderhorn@beehaw.org to c/chat@beehaw.org
6 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

The three-hour one I mentioned three days ago has been trumped by four hours tonight. We discussed her younger son's college goals and postgrad intentions, veered off into reminiscing and then somehow ended up in "why not come visit for a day" territory.

I know she's really, really terrible for me, and I don't like the idea of being stranded an hour from my van if shit goes sideways, but this is starting to look like a movie I've seen before.

The one where I visited her for a day, and we ended up married as a result. The path was a bit more winding, but it's easier to be direct with a former spouse than at the start of the whole thing.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] zero_spelled_with_an_ecks@programming.dev 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

There are other types of relationships besides not together and married. If you enjoy each other's company it certain ways, but know other arrangements aren't healthy for you, why not be up front about it and intentionally design something that works?

[–] Powderhorn@beehaw.org 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)

There certainly are alternate arrangements. The issue happens when we touch; it at this point goes off the rails. We can forget what we had mentally, but our bodies don't, and that has repeatedly proved a problem since the divorce.

[–] zero_spelled_with_an_ecks@programming.dev 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)

What's the actual problem you're talking about?

[–] Powderhorn@beehaw.org 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It is, to a certain extent, frustrating to attempt to explain, as either one has had this experience or not.

The best analogy I can make is from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home when Bones asks Spock to discuss the philosophy of death and Spock simply replies that as he's the only one who's died, they have no mutual frame of reference.

[–] zero_spelled_with_an_ecks@programming.dev 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I don't want an explanation of what is going on, but what the problem is. That should be relatively simple to articulate.

E.g. we can't help but escalate to more serious and less healthy relationships. Or we have discussed it and we different relationship goals. Or I have issues with setting boundaries.

[–] Powderhorn@beehaw.org 2 points 1 week ago

Damn it, you're going to be reasonable?

The issue is multifaceted, so I'll try to sum up. Your third point is well in play, but there's also the fact that we're codependent as hell, and apparently even 16 years can't erase that.