I know it's nobody's fault but my own that I'm disgusting trash. I know it's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect anyone to like me. I don't know what is so wrong with me. I understand I'm ugly, poor, stupid, annoying, and so on. My physical attributes are underwhelming at best.
People simply do not see me in a romantic way. I do my best to avoid being a creep. I know sometimes just being looked at by someone like me is offensive. I try to never say anything that would ever make anyone uncomfortable. I read online about how to act or not act so people like you. I greet everyone by name, I ask how they are, I'm compassionate and empathetic. I'm not a man although I'm supposed to be. I wish I could take hormones and actually be a man, but they say my testosterone is fine. I'm not tough and my beard grows sporadically.
I can't change the things that are wrong. I'm overweight but only slightly, and I only looked worse when I went lower. I'll never get taller and I'll always be "short" at 5'9". Fundamentally my personality is flawed. I mean, besides being ugly I'm also an extremely mediocre person. My hobbies and interests are all cringe embarrassments. Things are worse if I like them. Everything I do is wrong. I've never made the right decisions and I'm not successful.
Everyone else is more important than me. Everyone else matters. They deserve compassion and understanding but I do not. I hate everything about myself and have for a long time. I hate myself in the past and the future. I never suffer enough. I'm never miserable enough. I should have just done better. I remember my first mistakes began in kindergarten and only ever snowballed from there.
I try not to have unrealistic expectations. I don't expect anyone who isn't also flawed to like me. I'm not trying to date models. I just want to be okay existing and be accepted by regular normal people. Everyone is always dating or having intimate relations. All the worlds an orgy, but I'm not invited.
I guess all of that to say, I accept that I am an ugly loser, I accept I'm not good enough, but how do I cope with that? What's the point of life when I'll be excluded from so much of it?
And please, I know I should just be different, but I'm not. I wish my parents had killed me at birth. I don't understand why they didn't. If I could be a different person I would. If I could inhabit another body, I would. So telling me to just stop being so horrible, when every day I try my hardest not to be, won't help. I'm already as nice, forgiving, understanding, as I can figure out how to be. I try to carefully answer. I try to say the right thing, the most helpful and ideologically correct statement.
Also no this is not AI, I'm just a psycho. This comic caused me legitimate psychological damage.
I am fully prepared to die during the revolution. I would die today if it would help advance our cause.
my "community" is so full of plague rats that i have seen one other person in three years wearing a mask and the only free outdoors thing in town folded a while ago without any of them staying in touch.
unlimited death to fashion people
Then that's not your community. Your community in this context isn't necessarily "the people outside your front door" it's "the people you enjoy doing stuff with". Go find events in your area that sound cool. Or even ones that sound lame maybe you'll have more fun than you think. Maybe it'll be in the next town over. Maybe you'll have to drive an hour if you live in the sticks. Just keep trying stuff and keeping an open mind and a positive attitude and you will find things you like. Maybe it's a board game group or a softball league or a bar trivia night or just literally anything.
Years ago I got some good advice too, the first couple of times most people go to most things they don't feel too welcome. This is mostly a self fulfilling cycle...a group exists, someone comes to check it out, they don't come back because nobody talked to them, but nobody talked to them because most new people come to the group and don't come back. It's a dumbass cycle but it is very real. A truly well run event has ways to prevent this but most don't. So just be the person who comes back and eventually people will recognize you and talk to you. I agree it's dumb but it's how it works.
When I'm talking about clothes I don't mean high fashion. I wear t shirts and jeans everywhere all the time...I just wear some that fit decently. One of my friends only wears flannels or dresses, that's literally their entire wardrobe. Another friend of mine wears crocs and shorts and tank tops and nothing else. They just fit and they feel comfortable in them so it's not a big deal.
It would be awesome if we lived in a world where everyone all over was cool and chill but we don't, so you have to go find the people that are. They won't come to you unless you're already part of a community and they come check it out.
Anyway ultimately most of this is an attitude thing. Believe in yourself and that you can find cool people and then go do it and you will. I know that's hard but this is the genuine truth.
ok, then I have no community and no access to one.
nah i think it's a neurodivergent thing. There's nothing to try here without risking the plague, there's nothing of value within a hundred miles and even the nearest major city, which i can not afford to travel to, was segregated and suburbanized garbage when i lived there 10 years ago.
I can tell it's an attitude thing because you have not posted a single positive thing in this entire thread. Would YOU want to hang out with someone like that? I wouldn't.
The world sucks especially for us neurodivergent people. Trust me I know. Someday I hope you can make the decision to take some steps for yourself that lead to positive change. I'll believe in you even if you won't. Your people are out there too once you decide you actually want to go to find them.
there's not a single positive thing to say about where i live or even this part of the state.
quoting myself from elsewhere
i can't positive attitude my way out of the only social activities people do here being pox parties. I can't positive attitude my way into a job that pays well enough to leave. Please don't give advice to your fellow NDs like they're typical.
I guess you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results then. Hope that works out for you eventually
can't really afford to do anything else. both financially and the risks to my health.