I know it's nobody's fault but my own that I'm disgusting trash. I know it's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect anyone to like me. I don't know what is so wrong with me. I understand I'm ugly, poor, stupid, annoying, and so on. My physical attributes are underwhelming at best.
People simply do not see me in a romantic way. I do my best to avoid being a creep. I know sometimes just being looked at by someone like me is offensive. I try to never say anything that would ever make anyone uncomfortable. I read online about how to act or not act so people like you. I greet everyone by name, I ask how they are, I'm compassionate and empathetic. I'm not a man although I'm supposed to be. I wish I could take hormones and actually be a man, but they say my testosterone is fine. I'm not tough and my beard grows sporadically.
I can't change the things that are wrong. I'm overweight but only slightly, and I only looked worse when I went lower. I'll never get taller and I'll always be "short" at 5'9". Fundamentally my personality is flawed. I mean, besides being ugly I'm also an extremely mediocre person. My hobbies and interests are all cringe embarrassments. Things are worse if I like them. Everything I do is wrong. I've never made the right decisions and I'm not successful.
Everyone else is more important than me. Everyone else matters. They deserve compassion and understanding but I do not. I hate everything about myself and have for a long time. I hate myself in the past and the future. I never suffer enough. I'm never miserable enough. I should have just done better. I remember my first mistakes began in kindergarten and only ever snowballed from there.
I try not to have unrealistic expectations. I don't expect anyone who isn't also flawed to like me. I'm not trying to date models. I just want to be okay existing and be accepted by regular normal people. Everyone is always dating or having intimate relations. All the worlds an orgy, but I'm not invited.
I guess all of that to say, I accept that I am an ugly loser, I accept I'm not good enough, but how do I cope with that? What's the point of life when I'll be excluded from so much of it?
And please, I know I should just be different, but I'm not. I wish my parents had killed me at birth. I don't understand why they didn't. If I could be a different person I would. If I could inhabit another body, I would. So telling me to just stop being so horrible, when every day I try my hardest not to be, won't help. I'm already as nice, forgiving, understanding, as I can figure out how to be. I try to carefully answer. I try to say the right thing, the most helpful and ideologically correct statement.
Also no this is not AI, I'm just a psycho. This comic caused me legitimate psychological damage.
I am fully prepared to die during the revolution. I would die today if it would help advance our cause.
One of my close friends feels like this. I think he's pretty attractive honestly but here's the problems he has.
He doesn't take care of his body, he doesn't wear clothes that fit, he doesn't really take care of basic personal hygiene, he doesn't really go out into his community and get to know people and hang out with them, and then despite all of this he has this expectation that the girl of his dreams is going to walk into his living room and fall in love with him. It sounds ridiculous because it is. And he knows it but then won't go make the changes.
Meanwhile I know a lot of conventionally unattractive people who actually go out and participate in their community and take care of themselves how they are able and they're all saturated (most of my community is polyamorous). These people just go do their thing and they feel comfortable in their clothes and they do the things they want to do and they surround themselves with others who do the same. Myself included. I look like a mutated string bean I'm surprised every day anyone can stand looking at me. But they're not looking at my weird body they're looking at the history of things we've done together and how those things have made them feel and so I'm always surrounded by my community. Looks are subjective...first impressions are real but making positive memories with people can override some conventionally negative qualities over time.
I'm not going to pretend that any of these things are easy, but I don't know any person who actually goes out into the world and does things on a regular basis, and who showers, and who generally tries to take care of themselves, who is alone. Not one. It's hard. But take the first step, whatever that step is. Maybe it's something small like showering and shaving every day. Maybe it's going to local thrift shops and finding some clothes that actually fit. Maybe it's trying a new haircut and maintaining it. Maybe it's finding communities around you that you like hanging out in, whatever hobbies you enjoy or things you've wanted to try. Take one step. And then take one more. And then take one more. And eventually you'll be surrounded by community.
my "community" is so full of plague rats that i have seen one other person in three years wearing a mask and the only free outdoors thing in town folded a while ago without any of them staying in touch.
unlimited death to fashion people
Then that's not your community. Your community in this context isn't necessarily "the people outside your front door" it's "the people you enjoy doing stuff with". Go find events in your area that sound cool. Or even ones that sound lame maybe you'll have more fun than you think. Maybe it'll be in the next town over. Maybe you'll have to drive an hour if you live in the sticks. Just keep trying stuff and keeping an open mind and a positive attitude and you will find things you like. Maybe it's a board game group or a softball league or a bar trivia night or just literally anything.
Years ago I got some good advice too, the first couple of times most people go to most things they don't feel too welcome. This is mostly a self fulfilling cycle...a group exists, someone comes to check it out, they don't come back because nobody talked to them, but nobody talked to them because most new people come to the group and don't come back. It's a dumbass cycle but it is very real. A truly well run event has ways to prevent this but most don't. So just be the person who comes back and eventually people will recognize you and talk to you. I agree it's dumb but it's how it works.
When I'm talking about clothes I don't mean high fashion. I wear t shirts and jeans everywhere all the time...I just wear some that fit decently. One of my friends only wears flannels or dresses, that's literally their entire wardrobe. Another friend of mine wears crocs and shorts and tank tops and nothing else. They just fit and they feel comfortable in them so it's not a big deal.
It would be awesome if we lived in a world where everyone all over was cool and chill but we don't, so you have to go find the people that are. They won't come to you unless you're already part of a community and they come check it out.
Anyway ultimately most of this is an attitude thing. Believe in yourself and that you can find cool people and then go do it and you will. I know that's hard but this is the genuine truth.
ok, then I have no community and no access to one.
nah i think it's a neurodivergent thing. There's nothing to try here without risking the plague, there's nothing of value within a hundred miles and even the nearest major city, which i can not afford to travel to, was segregated and suburbanized garbage when i lived there 10 years ago.
I can tell it's an attitude thing because you have not posted a single positive thing in this entire thread. Would YOU want to hang out with someone like that? I wouldn't.
The world sucks especially for us neurodivergent people. Trust me I know. Someday I hope you can make the decision to take some steps for yourself that lead to positive change. I'll believe in you even if you won't. Your people are out there too once you decide you actually want to go to find them.
there's not a single positive thing to say about where i live or even this part of the state.
quoting myself from elsewhere
i can't positive attitude my way out of the only social activities people do here being pox parties. I can't positive attitude my way into a job that pays well enough to leave. Please don't give advice to your fellow NDs like they're typical.
I guess you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results then. Hope that works out for you eventually
can't really afford to do anything else. both financially and the risks to my health.