this post was submitted on 12 Jun 2025
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It seems like, that the longer I am aware of me being trans I keep unlocking new forms of Dysphoria. I never really had any problems with my deadname, but now it does hurt a little bit when hearing it from other people, because im not officially out to them. Today I also realised that apparently I know hate seeing hairs on my arms, which was never a problem before. Hearing my voice also gets progressively worse. What the fuck is this? Why cant I not feel shittier as time goes on. I am on my way to transition, my body could decide to not make my life shit in the process.

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

I went through all of this too, and transition is weird in that it simultaneously decreased and increased my dysphoria.

When I first transitioned I wasn't bothered by my deadname at all, but after a few months it really started to bother me and I even started to feel weird that I had ever been called that. It's like the way I thought about the name had been rationalized and seen as "genderless" and just "me", and only once I started going by a different chosen name did I have the space to see my deadname more objectively - the way it is gendered and used in a gendered way, and how poorly that fit "me".

Also, yeah, I paid little attention to my voice before I transitioned and once I transitioned and started paying attention to my voice for practical reasons like wanting to pass for safety, I suddenly realized how horrible my voice sounds and how it isn't "my" voice, etc.

On the other hand, there were also lots of moments of gender euphoria happening - dressing the way I've always wanted in public, and integrating as a woman socially was like a dream come true, a dream I had buried and suffocated and tried to kill but which somehow miraculously came to life anyway.

From what I've read these are common experiences - I know it seems weird for dysphoria to suddenly appear, but I think as coping strategies like denial and repression melt away, there is some instability as you pay more attention to your body and details that before you successfully ignored.

This is a challenging part of transitioning, but all I can say is that repression really is worse than transitioning and that it does (slowly) get easier. Also, the mental health improvements and joy that come from transitioning are a lot more than I ever could have expected.