this post was submitted on 23 Apr 2025
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Bible stories are the same way, we've just heard them a million times so they don't seem weird
May your marinara be forever spicy.
Its almost like nonsensical parables are a recurring theme in religions in general and we shouldn't be assuming a bunch of mystical morons from a thousand years ago knew any better.
A lot of the "nonsensical" comes from translation issues.
You're not a Hebrew farmer living in the middle east 2000 years ago, and the parable has been translated from ancient Hebrew to Greek, then to Latin, then finally into English.
The same goes for buddhist parables
I've read that some of these parables originally had clever word play.
That's a really good point, thanks for bringing that up
Clearly you just failed to grasp Jesus's message. And truly I say unto you, there shall be no pizza but through him, and occasionally at work to prevent unions from being discussed.
Thought that one always tied back to the whole "you shall know them by their fruits" thing.
As in those who talk nice but don't produce anything useful (like a fig tree that doesn't produce figs, just leaves) are not really doing what Jesus said. Don't be like the Pharisees hollering out in the streets, just love God and do good in the world.
There is a story in the Apocrypha (decanonized Bible books) where childhood Jesus turns another kid into a tree. I like to think it's the same tree.
Yes but it's still weird because it wasn't the right time of year for it to have fruit. The tree would have if Jesus hadnt been a dick.
Well then you're back to Ecclesiastes. Everything in its season etc.
Idk, I was just trying to put the best argument forward, but l'm not really a fan of the New Testament in part because of its inconsistency.
I think you're confusing the testaments, Jesus was ultimately a great guy as far as I can tell. The God used to be extremely cruel and vengeful in the old testament, though.
This is a common misconception, if you dig into it you'll see that God is basically the same in both old and new testaments. Nobody talked about hell more than Jesus.
You mean Gehenna, the literal place that was just a garbage dump around the corner? "Don't go to that place, man, it sucks. Somebody lit a trash pile on fire two weeks ago and it's still burning now. It's gross."
Or did you mean Hades, the place John (no, not that John (probably)) wrote about many years after Jesus's death? In the book of Revelation, the whole of which is full of obvious symbolic imagery? A) not Jesus and B) still not "hell".
Ohhhhh you were talking about Dante Alighieri, the guy born twelve hundred years later, who invented our modern concept of hell whole cloth.
"Hell", a translation of any of the three words Gehenna, Hades, and Tartarus, show up anywhere between 13 and 23 times in the entire new testament. That wide range is due to differences in translations and source texts.
Nobody talks about Jesus talking about hell more than modern preachers who profit off of making people fearful. You know, the exact people Jesus would have thrashed out of the temple with a whip.
Lol? Read Matthew 21:18-46
I never told you he wasn't goofy, ay!
... my original comment was a beat for beat parody of that passage...
You're right, I somehow must've been distracted when replying to your second comment and totally lost a grip on what we were talking about
"Jesus... when you say 'get me off this fucking cross, so help me God'... is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?"
( More ranting and screaming and moaning )
The disciples nod wisely at their leader's self-sacrifice for... their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they've already eaten him or something.
The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour's last words: "Guys, please, I'm not fucking around, get me down, please, I'm so fucking thirsty.... Jesus fucking christ"
In response to calling a prophet bald:
"So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24
This is the real way to turn the other cheek
My childhood bestie's dad was one of the only bald men in our church. He pulled out this story every time anyone in our youth group mentioned it.
Yeah, Kings is wild.
Where have you heard them a million times? I guess you grew up in a far less secular country.
The US. I grew up in the central and southern US and the shit is (or perhaps was) inescapable.